The One About The Being There For You

"I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

"...A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Dave sez,

Where do we forge friendships? The playground? The classroom? The Youth Group? What fire do we use? 

I am very proud of our kids. They're pretty smart. But sometimes smart people do dumb things. No one is immune. I saw a study the other day. Researchers in Budapest collected behaviors that were described as "stupid". The researchers showed the "stupid" behaviors to students and asked if they agreed, that, yes, indeed the behaviors were in fact "stupid". The researchers did not stop there, though. They asked the students to choose from a list of reasons why the behaviors could be described as "stupid". They came up with a list of three reasons: overconfidence, lack of control, and absent-mindedness.

Now, while that is pretty broad and general, it makes me think of a certain type of person. Someone young. Someone that could be described as immature.

Kids tend to be overconfident and absent-minded.

They also exhibit a serious lack of control. Or, what could be described as peer-pressure.

One of the biggest challenges that Cathy and I have, and I would think any adoptive parent faces - just like any birth parent - is trust. Natural parents have the benefit of a few years to build that trust. Cathy and I try to make every second count. Bella has been home a little over a year-and-a-half. Ethan reached his three-year anniversary just the other day, December 7th. Justin has been home four years. That's not a lot of time. Hopefully, over that time, we have made a significant amount of effort. Especially for that moment of truth.

There are the little things. The chinks that need to be improved on and refined.

I remember being Fourteen. It ain't easy. There's high expectations, but low returns. There are very few privileges. Can't get hired to work, can't get a driver's license until Sixteen. That's a trusted responsibility as well as a privilege. There's homework. Lots of it. Every hour in class, every assignment, every project counts. High school counts more than middle school did. High school builds on the skills learned in middle school. The transition isn't easy.

From my armchair, I saw all three kids in maybe two classrooms with maybe two or three teachers. I couldn't tell you how many children were in the Newcomers program. But, from where I was sitting, it seemed pretty concentrated and focused. Their teachers were great! I admire teachers. They work very hard, and get very little thanks for it. The boys went to two different schools for the Newcomers program. A Fifth Grade and then a Sixth Grade Newcomers program. They all experienced the same adjustment going from being in one or two classrooms and labs to having seven different classrooms and teachers - and being in a large classroom. Justin was very stressed. He was pulling his hair out, having anxiety and panic attacks. Ethan is feeling overwhelmed. Bella has managed to compose her stress, but it's still there, under the surface. This helplessness and frustration kinda builds up into anger, from what we've seen and experienced. Justin has told us that he feels angry for no reason. 

It could be that helpless and powerless feeling of Fourteen. And desperately trying to find a place. Trying to fit in and find a "crowd".

It's not easy. 

I am watching and waiting to see them each find that one friend - or two, or more - like I found when I was their age. 

There is a Proverb that says that "iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens his (or her) friend." I found that. I had that. I want that for my kids. A friend that builds up and challenges them to be better. It's pretty tricky finding a friend that challenges, sharpens and inspires rather than dares. There's a difference between a Dare and a Challenge. There's verse after verse about what happens to the wrong kind of friend in the wrong kind of crowd.

Watching the kids develop friendships and relationships is kind of like watching them do most anything else. Like watching them ride a bike for the first time or make a lay-up. It's not like Wizard's Chess. They have to do it themselves. 

It's not easy standing on the sidelines cheering.