On The Other Hand

Dave sez,

Hey there! Happy New Year! We are Cathy and Dave. This is the story of how we have gone from being a couple, to a family. Parents through adoption. It has been a long and winding journey. We are enjoying our adventure with our two boys, Ethan and Justin, and on the edge of our next journey to bring our daughter, Masha, home...

I am wrestling with a hesitation and an overwhelming eagerness to share this with you. Let me tell you some of the things I am telling myself: I am learning as a Dad that there are some things that are personal and private. Confidences, trust, girls, shortcomings and blemishes. As excited as I am to climb up on my roof and shout to the world, what my sons tell me is something I should put into a box in my heart and be glad they finally felt comfortable telling me. I'm only as good to them as the word and promise I give them. The trust that we have is what they will base all trust on. Their shortcomings and failings, like any one's is between them and their Creator.

At the same time, though, I see no reason why I shouldn't climb up on the roof and SHOUT what I am proud of. I consider myself blessed. Not lucky. I don't believe in coincidence. I think that's one of Gibb's rules. I like to celebrate days that end in "Y". I'm an optimist. I see greatness in my boys and I see that I'm the guy with the polish and the rag; or, the hammer and chisel - pick your favorite metaphor. I'm the guy who puts in the long hours, the hard work and the sweat that probably will only pay off generations from today. I think I'm entitled to climb up on the roof to celebrate the small victories today. He said, with a wink and a smile. The small milestones and victories today will add up to things my boys will look back on tomorrow. Justin has been asking, begging and pleading with me to come outside with him and Ethan and go sledding and have a snowball fight. "Please Popi! We did it when it was just you and me! We need to do it now with Ethan, too!" We go sledding. At the bottom of the hill, we roll around in the snow together and throw snowballs at each other. Later, when we come back in the house, Justin says, "Thank you for coming outside and playing with us." I look at him and smile. "Just be sure to tell my grand kids what a great guy I was, okay?" He rolls his eyes.

What I want to share with you is an English homework assignment that Justin and I worked on together. It hasn't been graded, or the grade hasn't been posted yet. I'm not sure of the etiquette of that. My gut is telling me a few conflicting things. I don't want to be that Dad. But I want to be that Dad. If you know my dad, you might have a picture of him. What I know about my Dad is he didn't talk much. He was a quiet guy. I know very little about his life growing up. Maybe I didn't show any interest or ask the right questions. Maybe I didn't meet him in the middle. He showed some interest in the things I liked. He came from that generation that just assumed love and affection was a given. When I got my first job in broadcasting, he introduced himself as my Dad and asked people what radio station they listened to, and, "Why don't you give the radio station my boy works on a listen?"

I tell my boys I love them every chance I get.

Justin's English class was reading Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. The assignment was to pick a character from the story and complete an activity as that character. Now, I get all English and reading. Cathy gets Math and numbers. We do "rock, paper, scissors" for everything else. Justin was trying to figure out which character to pick and which activity to complete. We looked over the list, and I tried to help with the decision. There was one character I felt would help him capture the heart of the story. Fred. I did a quick Google and Wikipedia search. I did not share this with Justin, I kept what I read there to myself. We spent some time talking about the story, and Fred. The activity for Fred, was to send his Uncle Ebenezer an invitation to Christmas dinner with a one-page letter encouraging him to accept and come. We sat down and started writing. I encouraged Justin to remember that this activity was for him to step into Fred's shoes and consider Scrooge his own uncle. We talked about how important family is. I think, considering the journey we all have been on together, this would be an important lesson. This would rise above any grade this assignment might get. That's why I feel so compelled to share our work.

Family.

Any errors and inaccuracies are our own, not the original material.

Here is the letter that my son and I wrote together:

Based on characters from Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol"

Created by Justin and Popi

December 17, 1843

My Dearest Uncle Ebenezer,

            Happy Christmas!

           

It is my greatest hope that this letter finds you well.

           

The reason I’m writing you, is to invite you to a Christmas dinner party. You will find enclosed, an invitation. We do hope that you will be able to join us.

           

I was very sad that you were not able to join us to celebrate at my wedding. Elizabeth is wonderful and I am hoping that you have the opportunity to find out, and get to know her better. She comes from a fine family and they all will be joining us. There is nothing better than family, Uncle, especially at Christmas-time! I do hope that you can join us for carols and songs around the piano, punch and holiday cheer!

            Elizabeth will be cooking turkey. Her father raises them plump and fat for the holidays. We will have dressing, and potatoes. Her mother will be sharing a family recipe for cranberry sauce. For dessert we will have cakes and fig pudding! It will be a fantastic feast that both Elizabeth and I do hope that you will join us for!

            I’ve missed you terribly, Uncle. I remember when I was a boy, that we were much closer. You were so good and kind to me after Father and Mother’s passing. I am forever grateful that you took me under your wing. I miss our talks. You had so many things you wanted to do and so many hopes for me. I’d like to share some of the good times I have had just this year with you in the hopes they make you proud. All we seem to have time for is a quick Hello, and Good ‘morrow, and the weight of debtors on your shoulders. I fear that you have lost all hope and sunshine. Hopefully, we can restore some of that light once again!

            I am writing you this letter so you can realize that family is very important! I don’t want you to spend Christmas by yourself. Christmas-time is not the time to be alone away from family.

Please consider joining us for Christmas dinner, Uncle. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring or how many Christmases we be able to share.

Elizabeth and I look forward to seeing you.

Yours affectionately,

Fred

 

Our Blended Family

Dave sez,

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. We are Cathy and Dave. This is our continuing adventure as new parents with our boys, Justin and Ethan; and our adventure bringing our daughter Masha home. Thanks for keeping up and following along with us!

I grew up hooked on television re-runs of Gilligan's Island and the live action Batman starring Adam West and Burt Ward. So, I totally understood it, when we went to Kiev, Ukraine to bring our sons, Justin and Ethan home, we lost them at the same time every afternoon to Avatar: The Last Airbender and SpongeBob SquarePants on Nickelodeon. Justin and I spent almost a year bonding, watching Nickelodeon. We watched every episode of Avatar; and I got familiar with Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy - SpongeBob's homage to DC Comics' Aquaman and Aqualad. I got curious, so I did a Google search and learned that Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway - who I had grown up with on reruns of McHale's Navy and The Carol Burnett Show - were now entertaining my son! Together we watched Big Time Rush, Victorious, Drake & Josh and iCarly. Cathy ended up leaving the room, because for months before Ethan came home, she had two boys; and now she has three.

Together we wore out the remake of The Karate Kid, with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. We can recite lines of dialogue from that movie! The Karate Kid for Justin is like The Blues Brothers, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein - well, any Mel Brooks movie - is for me.

We've only had a couple of disagreements, Justin and I. The first was over the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Like most kids, he loved it. Like most diehard Star Wars fans, I can't stand Jar Jar Binks or Hayden Christensen. Justin's favorite of the three is Revenge of the Sith. Where Anakin Skywalker makes his final descent into evil and darkness as Darth Vader. As a fanboy, there are so many things wrong, starting with The Phantom Menace it's hard to know where to begin. I think it starts with George Lucas' tinkering with the original trilogy and adding extra scenes and special effects. The special effects were cool, but it seems like they got away from him.

The other disagreement we had was over comic book super hero cartoons. Justin is just not a fan of them like I am. He'll watch Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk and The Avengers movies; but, not the DC Comics cartoons or movies. A couple weeks ago he asked Cathy why I collected comic books. Why I didn't just read the one - the ONE - I had. Ha! I laugh, because he is just as hooked on Avatar Aang as I am on Batman.

I'm sorry if this is a long walk around the park; but as much as Cathy and I are passing on to our boys, we are learning from them. Learning from them started a few days before Justin and I first came home. We were enjoying a quiet afternoon in the apartment in Kiev. Things had wound down and I wanted to catch up on some rest before our nineteen hour flight home. I was napping and Justin was channel surfing. He had found a movie on television. It was a Bollywood film starring Shah Rukh Khan, called Mohabbatein. It was a Hindi movie with subtitles translated into Ukrainian. Take a second to wrap your brain around that one. This was how Cathy and I started to learn more about our boys and where they were originally from.

Our boys have told us that they are originally from India. That they came to Kiev, Ukraine with their families and were abandoned by their families there.

Both Justin and Ethan are fans of Bollywood films. This is what Cathy and I are learning from our two boys. I think I've told you about Mohabbatein before. Shah Rukh Khan plays a music teacher that gets a job in a seminary and uses the opportunity to encourage the men to find true love. While in seminary. Like all Bollywood films, it's a musical. And three hours long.

We're making an effort to keep their original culture. Cathy makes Borscht - beat soup. In turn, the boys have developed a taste for spaghetti, chicken wings, pizza and hamburgers.  It was a long time in coming but Justin has developed a taste for biscuits and gravy. At first, he wasn't to crazy about it. He was a finicky, picky eater. Ethan's more of a seafood eater. He sees food - he smells food, he hears food - he eats it.

We make a big deal on Friday and Saturday nights -  when there's more time - to watch Bollywood films. We've watched Dhoom and Dhoom 2, about a couple of Mumbai policemen. Imagine if Rocky had been a musical. Or Die Hard. Or Terminator. We saw that Dhoom 3 was at the theater the other day, and we all were very excited. On a weekend that Anchorman 2 and Saving Mr. Banks opened, we went to see Dhoom 3.

Let me tell you why I liked Dhoom 3. It is set in Chicago! Like the Nolan-Bale Batman films, this film runs around the city! It tells the tragic story of an orphan circus boy that grows up to rob the bank that destroyed his ringmaster father's life. It's like The Prestige, with Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman and has been described as Now You See Me. You can immediately sympathize with this young man, because the bankers are portrayed as the real villains of the film. The Mumbai policemen - Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra - come to Chicago and race around the city chasing the bank robber - on motorcycles. It's a very entertaining film. With subtitles. Did I mention it's set in Chicago? Dhoom 3 debuted at number nine of the Top Ten films - the highest ever US debut of a Bollywood film, making (3) Three Million Dollars it's opening weekend! Did I mention it was set in Chicago?

This is how I know we are becoming a blended family. Shared experiences. Like television shows, movies, food, music and books. We're getting there, just a little slower with their reading. It took Justin almost a year to develop an interest in reading. we're still working with on his reading and English skills. Like most boys, they're more interested in activity than sitting still reading.

I'm very curious about what we are going to learn from our daughter...
    

Family Member of the Year

Dave sez,

Hey! We are Cathy and Dave! We greatly appreciate your prayers, encouragement and support in our Adventure in Parenting with Ethan and Justin; and our Adoption Journey to bring our daughter, Masha, home. Right now we are keeping a very close eye on what's happening in Independence Square and our prayers go out to all Ukrainians for peace.

Here's what I've learned: this life we all share and enjoy, it's kind of a popularity contest. no matter how much we want to do the right thing, deep down we all want to be liked. I know I do. I want Cathy to like me. I want the boys to like me. I want friends. I want fans on Facebook and Twitter. Life is popularity. That's why we have contests and competitions and award shows and reality television. It's not just cheap entertainment. It's gratification and validation. It's self-esteem. I'd rather be motivated by doing the right thing, but it is so gratifying and fulfilling when someone notices!

Okay, that probably sounded better in my head before I typed it out.

Popularity is why we have more competitions and award shows and not fewer. That, and I know I like knowing what's worthwhile. Am I gonna like that movie coming out this week? How 'bout that new album? That new song? You like it, too? Then we have a shared experience! How cool is that?!

Okay, this is a long way around the block to get to TIME's Person of the Year. Pope Frances.

Last Year it was President Obama. The year before that The Protestor. Before that, it was Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg.

There were four others that were "Runner-Up" for the title. It got me thinking...

We've had our successes and challenges this year. Of all of us, I think Ethan has faced his challenges and accomplished so much in his first year in a "strange new world".

Ethan would be my choice for the First Ever Family Member of the Year!

It wasn't an easy adjustment for Justin his first few months home.

Life here, in a brave new world has been so different, complex and challenging for Ethan, even with Justin to lean on. Ethan has had to learn honesty and accountability. He came home and fell into a bad habit of lying and blaming Justin. He picked up the phrase from the Harland Williams comedy Rocket Man, "Not Me!" The boys squabbled. A lot. Ethan found himself slamming into a brick wall and continually beating his head against the same brick wall, trying to break it down. He spent a lot of time confused and perplexed. Every sentence started with "I want", instead of "May I?" He's spent the last year learning how to ask permission instead of making declarations. Sentences end with "Please?", now. I remind him that his mother is Mom and Ma'am and that when he is asked, encouraged and directed, the proper response is, "Yes, ma'am." Cathy does the same thing for me.

Justin faced the same mountain. He still struggles climbing. Some days he slides back down a little.

Our new world is such a big place. There's so much to do and see and experience. Justin is so anxious to do and see and experience everything, all at once, he sometimes frustrates himself.

Give Ethan a quiet corner where he can curl up and hibernate within himself playing video games and he is happy. The challenge has been to show Ethan that he has a place. A place at the table. A role in the family. A position on our team. A purpose in the grand scheme of things. Responsibility.

When he is around people he tries so hard to be liked that he tries too hard. I remember those days as a boy. 

The challenge for Ethan in his first year has been focus and direction. He's been working diligently to be aimless. I spent a lot of time doing that myself at his age. So, the challenge for me as his father, is to be motivated and patient. Motivated to help him build positive momentum; and patient for results. Eventually.

I tell him as often as I can that I see greatness in him. All he has to do is let it out.

The State of Our Ethan

Dave sez,


Hi! We're Cathy and Dave. Thanks for dropping by. Thanks for supporting, encouraging, promoting and being a part of our ongoing Adventures in Parenthood and Adoption Journey.

Life is full of milestones. Next May 6th, will mark our twenty-fourth wedding anniversary. Next August will be ten years since Cathy was diagnosed with cancer and had life-saving surgery. Next year will also mark fourteen years that my dad has been gone. Cathy's mother passed away at 51 in '97. Her dad passed away a few years later, a year or so after my dad. This passed Sunday, December 1st, Cathy hit ten years in Research Accounting at The Clinic. (When you talk to her, you'll have to ask her what she got to mark the special occasion. I don't want to spoil it, but I'm sure she'd like to brag and gloat about it because it is pretty cool. There is a sparkle in her eye when she talks about the honor in marking the milestone. But, I'm sure she doesn't want to be too loud and boisterous about it. So, maybe catch her with a private message.)

 

Today, December 7th, 2013, marks a very special milestone. One year ago today, our son, Ethan, came home to stay for good.

A few years ago, we thought we would be lucky enough to have one child. The struggle was hard and challenging. We wanted a newborn. An infant to start our family. I wasn't sure, but I attached a lot of negativity to the phrase "special needs". In my mind it was equal to "handicapped", and I just wasn't sure that I could rise to the occasion. We look at our options and we tried several programs to see what fit us. By December of 2010, I was ready to give up. We'd been trying to adopt since the end of summer 2004 and we had no results to show for our effort. I was reaching a point where I was ready to accept that all I ever wanted was Cathy. I was ready to pour myself completely into work and church and community. I was frustrated, disappointed and angry. I guess, even with Cathy, I was lonely. I didn't have a son to play catch, or watch sports or Saturday morning cartoons with. I was starting to feel lost, wondering what purpose I had. Was this it? Was this what my life, what our life was all about?

That December, I posted a "New Year's Resolution" that I wanted to be a Dad in 2011. I committed. I went all in. We were very surprised to be connected to Justin, when he found us.

We thought he would be enough.

Then we heard about his cousin, Ethan. Cathy and I heard that Justin and Ethan had been together from the beginning. 

 

Instead of just having one child - one son - now became the plan to have two.

Cathy and I went from being a couple to being a family of four.

Ethan needed a family. Every child needs a family. Justin needs a family. Both boys needed and need a Mom and a Dad. Ethan lives like no one is looking. He's loud when he shouldn't be. He's unfocused, aimless and directionless. I see in my son some of the same traits and qualities I had to overcome growing up. Being awkward and inappropriate. I see in him that my work is cut out for me. I don't fault any one for the way he came to me. I think I'm pretty lucky and blessed that, where I started out thinking I would be lucky enough to have one child, either a son or a daughter, I didn't stop with just one. My son, Justin introduced me to my son Ethan; and, my son Ethan introduced me to my daughter Masha. And when I say "me", I mean me as in Cathy and me.

The challenge that we're finding is the same that every parent faces. We're like a juggler or a plate spinner. We have Justin in motion, and we have to keep everything going with him and keep him moving forward and keep him making progress. Keep the positive, forward momentum going. Now, we've added Ethan. We have to start him on his way, make his path straight, and focused and directed; while keeping and not forgetting about Justin; while not forgetting about Ethan. Soon, we'll be adding not just another plate to the dinner table, but one to the "juggling act", named Masha! It's a pretty delicate balance, but the result is worth it.

What I enjoy about Ethan is that I am finding my geek wingman. One of the things that he has shared with me is that he likes comic books and cartoons. He told me that his favorite character is Green Lantern John Stewart. I'm a Batman fan. I like Spider-Man, too. I have to admit, though, being a white guy, I'm a fan of Green Lantern Hal Jordan. ( I bet you didn't know that there is a legend that Hal Jordan was modeled on Paul Newman. It may just be an urban legend, but take a second and let that sink in.) As much as I like re-discovering Star Wars and seeing Avatar: The Last Airbender and SpongeBob through Justin's eyes; it is awesome what I am learning from my son Ethan.

Green Lantern John Stewart

As much as Cathy and I am teaching them, we are learning so much from them. Ethan is just into cartoons and comic books. He's into WWE! Or, Dubba-Dubba-Eeeeeeee! His favorite wrestler is "JOHN CENA"!!!

"JOHN CENA"!!!

Ethan's eyes and the way he sees the world is totally unique and individual. It is amazing and awesome to see things from a different perspective from Cathy and Justin through Ethan.

When Cathy and I got married we were told to celebrate our differences and not to make what is different and unique and individual about us a hang-up or a stumbling block. It's cool to share interests with my boys - and soon with all my kids. But it is so cool to share and celebrate each other for what we are.

One year ago today, my son Ethan came home to stay. Our world will never be the same.

"You talkin' t'me?"

I'm glad.

Welcome home, Ethan. Welcome home son.