The Challenges That We Face

Dave sez,

Hi! We're Cathy and Dave. We'd been trying to adopt for a very long time. We didn't think we would every have children, until a miracle happened and we were blessed with our son, Justin. He introduced us to our newest addition, Ethan. Justin used to go by the name Georgiy. Ethan used to be known as Shani. When we went to Ukraine to bring Justin home, he introduced us to Ethan as, "This is Shani! My brother!" When we went to bring Ethan home, he introduced us to the girl that will be coming home as our daughter. He said, "Masha. Sister?" For a couple that had nearly given up hope that we would ever have ONE child, we are excited to face the idea that we will be having THREE!

It is amazing to consider God's secret wisdom in the miracle he worked in front of our eyes.

Cathy and I have spent the last few weeks since we came home trying to get over a cold and a long lingering cough. We've been blessed that over the last year, Justin has rarely been sick. He and Ethan are pretty sturdy. they bounce back pretty quickly. Ethan was sick a couple of weeks ago, but managed to rally and bounce back. We took him for his first Chuck E. Cheese! He is right now where Justin was when he first came home. But we've noticed the boys are different as far as maturity. Ethan is not as mature or as developed as his brother. Ethan seems almost infantile. Every thing he does is at an extreme. He's loud; overly enthusiastic, and amazingly enough, nearly everything goes in his mouth. We're pretty sure it's a security thing, that he sucks his thumb at night when he sleeps. He'll sit with his fingers in his mouth. He's a bottomless pit: he is always hungry.

We have three dogs; two bassets, Max and Maize, and a Jack Russell terrier, Peanut. They are adjusting, just like we are. He is so excited and enthusiastic that his affection for them is overwhelming. We've been trying to get him to keep from burying his face in their fur. he comes away from them just covered in fur. he usually does this kind of thing before he has to go any where, like school or church or out. we've had to make him change clothes.

We're trying to get him to "turn down the volume" a little bit, because right now he's dialed to eleven. On top of his enthusiasm, he's always asking questions. Obvious questions. Obvious to us; but, considering that he has only been with us and home a short while, every question has to be respected and answered.

We're trying to help him develop better habits, be thoughtful of others and less selfish, and show initiative.

First Chuck E. Cheese was an experience. Justin is used to getting a handful of tokens an playing the games. We handed Ethan his tokens and told him to go play while I wait for our food and Cathy hits the salad bar. Justin came back with a fistful of tickets, got more tokens and was off again. Ethan came back a few minutes later empty handed for more tokens. I told Cathy I didn't think he knew about the tickets. Justin came back with more tickets and got another handful of tokens. I found Ethan wandering around, watching other kids play games. He did play one game, and walked away when he was done completely ignoring the tickets coming out of the machine. We headed back for more tokens and met Justin at the table. I told him and Cathy what was happening and Justin said, Let me show him what to do. Come on, Ethan, let's go! And they were off.

We had gotten enough tokens that I took ten of Ethan's and headed over to one of the games that is all about tickets. It's that big wheel with the lever. Pull down the lever and you get tickets. It took all ten tokens, but I got him 150 tickets. He was excited, but not nearly as impressed as I thought Cathy and I thought he would be.

We struggle with getting him to listen the first time. It usually takes repeating instructions a half a dozen times before it sinks in. That's pretty true of any kid, even Justin. What we know, is that Justin's tenure has built experience. Ethan is still struggling through initiation and orientation period. His training wheels are pretty much still on.

Last weekend, over the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, we had a sleepover with the Justin's best friend, Alex. It was a weekend filled with sledding, Nerf wars and playoff games. It was great to spend time with Alex's parents, Mike and Andrea. They've been a part of our journey, since introducing us to Justin. we also got a chance to see Annie and Tom and their kids again. When Cathy and I think of the miracle of Justin finding us, we can't help but think of how awesome a gift we've been given. If Justin hadn't come into our lives, we wouldn't have been introduced to Ethan or Masha. We wouldn't have met other parents like us. We would have kept on thinking that we were alone and unique in the situation we were and are in. Annie and Tom blessed us with Justin, who led us to Ethan and Masha.

Watching Ethan with the other boys, he seemed a lot like the "odd man out". It wasn't so much a language barrier, Ethan is just challenged at fitting in. I can identify with that.

This passed weekend our plans changed a little, so we took the boys to Nickelodeon Universe. We'd taken the boys there when we first came home in December, but it was only for a few hours, and Cathy and I spent the time sitting and talking. This was the first trip there as a family where we all got to enjoy the rides. You can see from just a couple of the pictures how much fun we had. There was a little drama and pouting, but fortunately it didn't last long.

One of the great tips that we've learned from other parents like us, is introducing the boys to the concept of "family". When they balk at anything, we now tell them that this is what having parents is like. We are the parents, they are the child. They don't set bedtime or The Rules - we do. Mama and Popi will be respected; and listened to. Trust is going to be a long time in building, but respect has to start here at the beginning. We're still working on respect with Justin, and working on his example to set a good one for Ethan.

All in all, though, the good times far outweigh the bad times. It's great that we can all bounce back from the rough patches that we have.

It's great that every day we can enjoy our "Happily Ever After".

The Odd Couple

Dave sez,

I'm not sure which stand-up comedian said that kids are like the worst roommate you've ever had - but I believe it! As a newbie dad of two - TWO! - boys, now, I am learning that Justin and Ethan are like the worst drunk roommates - everz!

Justin is the angry drunk. The ten-feet tall and bullet proof drunk. Looking over pictures of him, and seeing him with the other boys his age from the Cradle of Children's' Hope Orphanage, he's small for his age. He might never reach the same height as Ethan or the other boys. I'm sure there are a lot of things that he is sensitive and defensive about, and his height is probably one of them. From the way he and I rough-house, I'm sure he has had to defend a spot with the other boys. His way of saying "Hi. How are you? How was your day?", is more, "You wanna fight? You wanna piece of me?" And then it is on! The fists are flying, there's usually some crying involved, but a hug from Mom and I'm fine afterward! I don't think Justin is unique in having self-esteem issues. he tends to over-compensate by telling himself and us just how good and wonderful he is. I've been warning him for the last year about saying things like, "I'm better than you!" I've been telling him that there may be some things he is good at and better at. But there will always be someone better. The angry drunk doesn't hear that, it goes right over his head. "I'm BETTER than you!" We've had our moments where he's really been angry. It's not really anger, it's fear. This little firecracker will stand in front of me and scream at me, "I'm not afraid of you! You don't scare me!" I get down on my knees so that he and I can look eye to eye, and I tell him that I don't want to ever scare him. I don't ever want him to be afraid of me. He's an awesome kid. He makes mistakes, we all do. I make mistakes as his dad. But I love him no matter what. We can fix mistakes. A little duct tape and WD-40 and we're good as new.

And it's moments like that when I miss my dad. I wish I could tell my dad what an incredible, awesome grandson he has. I do the next best thing. I tell my sister and brother what a cool nephew they have. I tell Justin what a cool aunt and uncle he has. And then he "drunk" Skypes them when no one is around and asks them why they don't have a camera on their computer so he can see them when he Skypes.

The best part about coming home from Kiev, wasn't just seeing Cathy and Justin; it was Cathy telling me that my son had called my cell phone to hear my voice on the outgoing message on my voice mail. I asked if he missed me and he smiled and said no...then, with a nonchalant shrug,  "a little bit."

My new son, Ethan, is the happy drunk. He's all, "Let's get this party started!" Every little thing makes him giddy and giggle. He cheers at the good parts of every movie, when the hero is winning and the bad guy is losing, or when one thing stops happening and another thing starts happening. He is exuberant. He is ebullient. He's the "Hold my beer for me", and, "Watch this!" He was so ready to leave the orphanage, because he was excited for the next thing. He had to have the television on and play video games at the same time. He ran around the room, looking at every thing and touching every thing. There was a piano in the room and he banged on the keys until he got bored and moved on to something else. I learned to say "Nyet!", because he touches EVERY key on a computer keyboard. When he comes into the room, he hugs all three dogs, kisses them and rubs his face in their fur. With a laugh. He rolls around on the floor with them. Now, the adult in me sees that he turns into Pigpen: a ball of dog hair. But slowly, I am learning to take a breath and count to ten and just let him get that out of his system. There is a point where his excitement and enthusiasm goes a little too far.He gets so excited that the connection between his brain and his hearing unplugs and he becomes a wild, happy drunk. We're all trying to adjust to his pure, uncut J-O-Y. There is a wonder in his eyes at every thing he sees and experiences.

What the world needs more of is to be able to break out into spontaneous song. Ethan will be doing something; and then, he'll just start singing. Loudly. At. The. Top. Of. His. Voice. Breaking the peace and tranquility of me sitting under a tree by a stream in my imagination. And then, I'm all, "Hulk, SMASH!"

Angry drunk and happy drunk tend to clash like The Odd Couple. We haven't had linguini on the walls yet, but there's been a lot of finger pointing. "Justin EVERY thing, and me NOTHING! Justin YEAH, and me NO!", then, "He's in my stuff! He doesn't ASK! He's all the time asking dumb questions! Questions, questions, questions!"

At one point, between Christmas and New Year's, Justin said to me, "Things were better here before he came here!" Yeah, because angry drunk was a solo act, and now he has to share the stage and the spotlight with happy drunk.

I was the youngest in my family. I could tell that my two older brothers didn't ALWAYS appreciate having me around ALL THE TIME. They had their own friends, their own crowd; and having a baby brother around wasn't ALWAYS cool. I'm a pretty sweet and wonderful person, but I do tend to get annoying after a while. But like any mold or fungus, I tend to grow on people and choke the will out of them so they can't run away.

I'm just waiting for a more peaceful solution than that between Felix and Oscar. They do have a lot of fun together...when they are wrestling and trying to choke the life out of each other.

I say, no broken bones and no spilled blood and every body goes to bed happy!  

The Firsts So Far...

Dave sez,

"...And the Lord said, Who, then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give him his portion of food in due season?

"...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required; and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more."

~ Luke 12: 42, 48b

"With great power comes great responsibility." ~ Uncle Ben Parker, The Amazing Spider-Man by Lee and Ditko

Hi! We are Cathy and Dave. This is our adoption journey. After nearly seven years of trying to start a family, it's been two years since we were first introduced to our son, Justin, who in turn introduced us to our son Ethan. A big part of our journey has been the miles and miles across nearly seven years waiting for our boys to find us. A smaller part of our story is how it all began.

Today marks the one hundred first anniversary of the birth of Danny Thomas. Wikipedia, and Mr. Thomas' autobiography say that as a young starving entertainer with children, Danny Thomas made a promise: that when he was blessed to find work, he would repay that gift to Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. When he passed away in 1991, he passed the baton of promoting Country Cares for St. Jude Kids to Randy Owen from the group Alabama. The success rate in finding a cure for childhood cancer is remarkable.

Cathy went a number of years with undiagnosed cancer. It was discovered when we started a fertility program to have children. We were both shocked. She was given the diagnosis on a Wednesday and in surgery to remove the cancer a couple days later on Friday. I am blessed that I didn't lose her. I understand what people go through fighting cancer. I understand how terrible it is to face losing a child to cancer.

I don't believe in coincidences. I think things happen for a reason. I believe that the larger, greater journey that we are on gives us an opportunity to grow and learn and become something more than where we start.

Before Justin found Cathy and me, I was a jerk. My boys are helping me grow and they both are teaching me a lot. The best part is that it's a fun experience.

Cathy and I have had such an incredible opportunity to be introduced to wonderful people that have been touched by adoption. It is so great to hear people tell us how grateful they are for adoptive parents. It is so incredibly touching and moving to hear that being a dad and a mom makes a difference. That Cathy's and my hard work, sweat and tears have a super power to them.

We were bowling last Sunday with the families from the orphanage where Justin, Ethan, Cathy and I made so many friends; and what we heard was how much Justin has developed in the last year or more. We had heard that he was a handful. High maintenance. We've seen some of that. We've had a few hard times with him. But, I am convinced that he is awesome. I may be a little biased in my opinion...

Ethan could not be more different from Justin. I love both my boys. Ethan gives me pause. He has an energy and exuberance so much like Justin. He is loud and boisterous. He laughs loud, he sings loud, he eats loud. At times, it's like he's stepped out of a musical, he breaks into spontaneous song. Like Justin. There is not enough of that going on today, really.

But what separates the two boys is that whatever experiences they have gone through, Justin built up a tough outer shell. He's aggressive and defensive and protective. Getting him to trust has been our biggest challenge since he's been home. Ethan, on the other hand, wears a smile and a laugh to cover up the scared little boy he is. Where Justin has become a champion, Ethan has become a victim. Justin could go the whole day without eating and be fine and happy. Ethan can't survive a few minutes. His first question is always either When do we eat?, or When is the next meal? Next, he is always telling us that he is hungry, and letting us know what he wants to eat. In his developing English, it comes out "And me eat!" The challenge that we're facing with him is getting him to understand that over the last twelve months that Justin has been here, he has earned every one of the privileges he enjoys. Ethan looks at what Justin has and we can see where he wants a big slice of that.

Over this last week, Justin and Ethan have had their first sleep over. It started as a bowling and pizza party, with a birthday celebration thrown in, too. It escalated as Justin and one of his friends, Alex, asked if Justin and Ethan could stay over. That gave us New Year's Eve eve with a very quiet house. It's a shame that Cathy and I were still trying to shake off this crud and couldn't enjoy it more...But, after work on New Year's Eve, we drove up to spend time with the boys and our friends Mike and Andrea. Mike texted me to warn me that the boys had Nerf rifles and that I might need to pick one up to defend myself - they were plotting to ambush us as we walked in the door. A good woman is patient in the toy aisle. A great woman helps you pick stuff out. I was looking at the rifle and ammo. Cathy picked out guns to surprise the boys when we got back home. We had a blast! Mike and Andrea noticed how different justin was now, and how much both boys missed us.

Ethan has had his first day back to school after the long break for Christmas and New Year's; AND, he's had his first bus ride. Both boys are riding the bus to school now. Wednesday, when I took Ethan to school, he got in the car and complained that it was cold. He wanted me to wave the wand that picked me at Olivanders or use my Sonic Screwdriver on the heater to make the car instantly warm. I looked at him in the back seat and noticed he didn't have his gloves and hat on. I asked him where they were. "And me no," he replied. We need to find your hat and gloves, Bud, I told him. He giggled at me. I found his hat and gloves after dropping him off at school and set them out for him for Thursday. Friday morning, when I asked where his hat was, he said he left it on the bus. Here is where I knew I had become both MY dad and mom. "Well," I said, "What good is your hat doing you on the bus?" He smiled at me...like an infant with gas.

Friday, I had to pick him up halfway through the day for his first doctor's visit and first round of immunizations for school. He had three shots. He was a trouper, but Cathy had a challenge getting him to look at her and not at his arm when the needle went in. He didn't complain much at all. We weren't sure if he would be able to head back to school for the rest of the day, and we were kicking around the idea of letting him take it easy at home. Unfortunately, we didn't use the cones of silence in front of him. He perked up at the idea of having the rest of the day off. When things didn't turn out that way, it seemed that the vaccinations kicked in hard and he was severely bedraggled. I walked him back to his class as they were all going to the language lab, and I got to see him walk with another boy, his hand a "brain sucker" on the other boys head. I left him with the parting words he always uses with me, "No touchin' me!" He uses that when he wants Cathy and me to stop tickling him. He'll laugh and giggle, screaming "No touchin' me! No touchin' me! No touchin' me-ee-ee-ee-ee!"

We spend a lot of time refereeing between the two boys. Justin complains that he's too loud. He's eating too loud! He's talking while I am playing games! He's all the time asking questions! Make him stop! The hardest thing Justin has said was that things were so much better before Ethan came home. Ethan looks at Justin as more privileged and favored. So, pretty much what we're hearing is, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" from both boys.

As Lloyd Bridges said in Airplane, "I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing airplane glue!" I don't really sniff airplane glue...But, I do grit my teeth and tell myself that I am so happy to have what I have always wanted. And I laugh, because Mom always wished that each one of her children would be blessed with kids like them.

I wouldn't trade either one of them for anything.