Ethan (center) with Justin on his back along with Megan, Matthew and Alicia
Dave sez,
Hi! We're Cathy and Dave, thanks for dropping by. This is the ongoing story of how we are building our family through adoption. Right now, we're just waiting to bring our daughter Masha home to join her brothers, Justin and Ethan.
We're very close to the end of Ethan's first year home. His "anniversary" is coming up December 7th. This was his First Thanksgiving.
There's a family tradition that we enjoy with my brother-in-law (Cathy's brother) Keith, our sister-in-law, Lyn and the kids. Before we eat, before we ask the blessing on Thanksgiving, we go around the table and tell each other what we are thankful for. This year it was enjoyable going 'round the table and hearing what all the kids had to say. Megan was first and this year she is thankful that she can tell all her friends that she finally has cousins! Ha! We all got a kick out of that. When Ethan's turn came up...
Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse, but...
Normally, Ethan is pretty loud, and boisterous. He talks big..and loud. He sings loud. He laughs loud. Have I mentioned that my boy Ethan is loud? Well, this usually very loud boy, said very softly and quietly that he was thankful for his Mom and Dad.
I can only imagine that Cathy was as proud as I.
I wish I could say that Ethan was less of a challenge; that he was more easy-going than Justin.
Fear is a pretty powerful thing.
One thing that has stuck with me from our training is that even small children, infants, can be imprinted on a cellular level with abandonment. I think Ethan loves and craves attention. Our boys express themselves differently. Ethan doesn't seem as confident and bold as Justin. he seems to need a little bit of encouragement and coaxing. With his lack of confidence and esteem, he's a bit forgetful.
Ethan's first year has been just like Justin's first year. getting used to a new routine. Bonding. building a bridge of trust that goes both ways. Changing course and steering a new direction.
Replacing fear, that comes out as anger, with love.
"...We can rebuild him. We have the technology...Better! Stronger! Faster!"
I have a confession. Well, actually, I have a couple of confessions. First, I'm not a big fan of Halloween. The faith that my parents handed down to me was that I didn't go Trick-or-Treating as a kid. I don't dislike or hate Halloween, I just never developed an affection for it. As a comic book geek, I think comic book character cos-playing (shorthand for costume playing) is interesting to the point where there is an actual online World Super-Hero Registry. You can click the link and find the super-hero nearest you. We have our very own "urban legend" super-hero, called Geist. Part of me thinks that kinda pretty cool. Up to the point that reality sinks in, and the realization hits me that a super-hero is basically a vigilante; a person that takes the law into his or her own hands. Then there's the danger factor. Unless you have a huge amount of disposable income to spend on Kevlar and body armor, you're basically out on the street risking a smack-down beating or worse. I have a low thresh-hold of pain, so, I would basically end up as a Red Shirt. The basic problem that I have at this time of year is the same problem we all face. The glut of merchandising around Halloween, Christmas and to a lesser extant New Year's Eve. There's fewer merchandising opportunities for Thanksgiving, what with it being about sitting with family around the table eating as much as humanly possible - to the point of spontaneous human combustion.
But this year was Ethan's First Halloween, and our first opportunity to go trick-or-treating with both boys. We were kinda rushed with getting Justin enrolled in school when he first came home two years ago, so we skipped Halloween. Last year, Cathy and I were bringing Ethan home, so we were blessed with friends that stepped in and took him trick-or-treating. Last year, my sister gifted Justin with an Aang costume so he could go as Avatar: The Last Airbender. Over the last year, Justin has developed a boy-crush on the tragic and troubled Anakin Skywalker and his alter-ego Darth Vader. So, he went as Darth Justin and his older brother went as Obi-Wan Ethan from the Star Wars: The Clone Wars series.
I won't spoil their fun by telling them that there is no possible way that Star Wars: The Original Trilogy Darth Vader and Star Wars: The Clone Wars Obi-Wan Kenobi could co-exist in the same space and time. I won't tell my boys that by the time Anakin Skywalker has prosthetic legs, arm and body armor as Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi had gone into hiding on Tatooine. Even though, both had the power of The Force they chose to ignore each others very existence for close to twenty years. Apparently, The Force only works at close range. So, a picture of Darth Vader standing with his lightsaber at the ready next to Obi-Wan Kenobi with his lightsaber at the ready is completely and totally improbable, not just simply impossible. I'll probably wait until the boys are older, and probably dating or about ready to get married when I hit them with that revelation. Anything else would be too Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
Even though I'm not a huge fan of Halloween, it was nice to spend time with other parents in the neighborhood, and seeing a sense of community. In one cul-de-sac, we found neighbors had lit a fire pit. Another neighbor across from them had brought the candy bowl outside and set it on a table next to a grill that was fired and grilling hotdogs. Candy for the kids and hotdogs with chips for the parents. That was a nice touch.
The other confession I have is that I have probably been wearing rose-colored glasses for the past couple years. Expecting that because we waited so long to be connected with our kids, that we would have a "happily ever after". That everything would be The Brady Bunch, or worse yet, idyllically perfect. That all the anger and pain and hurt of rejection and abandonment that both Justin and Ethan have gone through would just evaporate with a hug. That's not true. There have been fewer posts on Ethan, because we are all struggling and wrestling with the challenges that he faces. Underneath his sweet, smiling face is a boy that has never been given one-on-one attention, focus or direction. It has been a challenge for Cathy and me, and for his teacher in the Newcomers Program at school to manage him and get him to settle down. We've had a tremendous amount of help from his teacher, the same teacher that Justin had, because Ethan is not the only student she has that is adjusting to new things and new surroundings. Cathy and I knew that Ethan and Justin were different. More and more we are finding out just how different they are. Ethan needs twice as much attention, focus and love than Justin needs. Justin needs a lot of love to counteract the anger and hurt that is pent up inside due to the betrayal he feels. Ethan needs to be focused and directed.
We have our good days. And then we have days where the wheels completely come off. Sometimes, one of us, or, all of us have a bad day. We have our equal share of good days and bad days. Some days the peaks are very high. Some days the valleys are very low. Some days it feels like carrying a rock on our shoulders up hill through a blizzard.
I try to remember what Tom Hanks said about baseball in A League of Their Own. What he said about baseball doesn't just apply to baseball. It's a principle that can be applied to just about anything. The line was something like, baseball's not easy. "If it wasn't hard every one would do it."
