Okay, let me get this out of the way right from the start: I never had a girlfriend when I was in school. It was a combination of a few things. I wasn't raised that way. At least, I don't remember being raised that way. Academics was important. Getting good grades was the thing. Yeah, I know, I kinda blew that one. At best, I was a mediocre student. That's being kind and sugar-coating it. I hid that pretty well behind glasses starting in the Fifth Grade. I was a nerd. Not the Lord of the Rings or Chronicles of Narnia kind of nerd. I was the, Who would win, Superman or The Incredible Hulk kind of nerd. (The answer is Batman; because of his utility belt!) I was self-conscious about my appearance. I was also pretty good at being invisible.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to get that out of the way before I share the latest adjustment I'm having with our kids.
Justin doesn't have any self-image problems. He's pretty much over-confident. He's very conscious of his appearance, and takes great care of his looks and appearance. He's very fashion conscious. Okay, I have to confess that, if I could, I would probably have a Batman costume in my closet. I thought it was pretty cool, that track suit that Lee Majors wore as Col. Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. I begged my parents to get me a running suit just like it, and they did.
Yeah, I pretty much wore it around the house until it wore out. And I moved around in slow motion, "nnnuh-nuh-nuh-nuh..." Yeah.
Justin is just as conscious of clothes and shoes.
If I had to sum up my son Justin, I would say, Think Reggie Mantle.
Devious. Mischievous. You would probably recognize Reggie more by the name he goes by now: Artemis Fowl. We all know it, kids a super-villain masterminds. Always plotting, always scheming, always conniving.
Ethan is Jughead, and that is not meant as a slight or insult. Just an honest assessment.
Yes. he's a "foody", but he does like girls.
Our daughter, Bella, is like her The Twilight Saga namesake. A Betty that wants to be a Veronica.
The adjustment I'm having to make is that my sons have girlfriends and my daughter has a boyfriend. Walk along with me on this. I'm not having a problem with losing them to someone else. I am more than happy for them to find The One. But what Cathy and I see is, that first rejection, that first abandonment affects all of their relationships. I've seen how it affects their relationship with Cathy and me. How we have to work to trust each other. Over the years, trust has been a big issue. The first six months Justin was home, he was convinced that there was a breaking point, where we could send him back to the orphanage. I'm not sure where exactly he got such a foolish notion from. I don't think anyone from the orphanage or the adoption agency would tell him, Ethan or Bella that. Cathy and I certainly never said that to him. He spent the first six month pushing buttons, to see how far he could push. He's never stopped pushing his boundaries.
I've seen him develop other relationships. Friendships in school.
All three of our kids make friends pretty easily, which is good.
It's their definition of "friend", that has me concerned. If you're a parent, you have the same concerns. When your child reaches a certain age, like the teenage years, your influence on them pales in comparison to the influence their friends have. It doesn't take a degree in rocket-brain surgery to figure out. Just eyes and ears. And a heart on your sleeve.
As much as we want to be accepted and embraced by our children, they are desperately trying to find acceptance with friends at school. I believe the scientific term for that is "peer pressure".
The basic adjustment I'm trying to make to my three children is that they are not only making friends that I have to adjust and accept, but that Justin and Ethan have girlfriends and Bella has a boyfriend. The adjustment is all semantics.
I tell them they have friends, which is cool. Justin and Ethan have buddies that they hang around with. They also have friends that are girls. Bella has friends that are boys. Their definition of boyfriend and girlfriend is a little different than mine. Justin and Ethan define a girlfriend as a friend that is of the female persuasion whom they hang around with at school. The length of time may vary. It may be a day. It may be a week. Or two. It is a temporary relationship. It is finite.
My definition of a "girlfriend" for my boys and a "boyfriend" for my daughter is, The One they reach after getting good grades in school and a steady employment. It's great that they have friends. Friends are awesome. But, when you want to do something with your friends, a person kinda needs the means. Some people say it's all about the Benjamins. That ain't no lie. I don't know any girl that isn't impressed by a car, a job or a paycheck. That's not "high maintenance" or "stuck-up". At the same time, I hope my daughter learns to be encouraging and supportive. Peer pressure should work for good as much as it most often works for evil.
I think we all need to be inspired.
I smile when my kids tell me about new friends they make. The first time Justin told me he had a girlfriend, I asked him, "What's her name?" He said, "I don't know." You have a girlfriend, and you don't know her name? Dude that's not a girlfriend, that's a Crush. Crush is a soda. It comes in a can.
Then I asked what I thought was the most enlightened question in the history of the universe. I was pretty proud of this moment.
"What color are her eyes?" My son told me, "I don't know."
So, let me see if I got this: you don't know your girlfriend's name or the color of her eyes? Dude that's not even a Crush. Are you sure you're even in the same room?
It took a few days and some convincing, but I got him to take a photo of this girlfriend. They've long since moved on from each other, but hopefully it is one small step forward.
The secret of life: it's all relationships.
One foot in front of the other, on a journey of a thousand similar similar steps that will lead forward. Forward. Ever onward. A journey that never really ends, but just winds and turns and curves.
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| God blessed the broken road/That led me straight to you... |
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