The One About The Being There For You

"I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

"...A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Dave sez,

Where do we forge friendships? The playground? The classroom? The Youth Group? What fire do we use? 

I am very proud of our kids. They're pretty smart. But sometimes smart people do dumb things. No one is immune. I saw a study the other day. Researchers in Budapest collected behaviors that were described as "stupid". The researchers showed the "stupid" behaviors to students and asked if they agreed, that, yes, indeed the behaviors were in fact "stupid". The researchers did not stop there, though. They asked the students to choose from a list of reasons why the behaviors could be described as "stupid". They came up with a list of three reasons: overconfidence, lack of control, and absent-mindedness.

Now, while that is pretty broad and general, it makes me think of a certain type of person. Someone young. Someone that could be described as immature.

Kids tend to be overconfident and absent-minded.

They also exhibit a serious lack of control. Or, what could be described as peer-pressure.

One of the biggest challenges that Cathy and I have, and I would think any adoptive parent faces - just like any birth parent - is trust. Natural parents have the benefit of a few years to build that trust. Cathy and I try to make every second count. Bella has been home a little over a year-and-a-half. Ethan reached his three-year anniversary just the other day, December 7th. Justin has been home four years. That's not a lot of time. Hopefully, over that time, we have made a significant amount of effort. Especially for that moment of truth.

There are the little things. The chinks that need to be improved on and refined.

I remember being Fourteen. It ain't easy. There's high expectations, but low returns. There are very few privileges. Can't get hired to work, can't get a driver's license until Sixteen. That's a trusted responsibility as well as a privilege. There's homework. Lots of it. Every hour in class, every assignment, every project counts. High school counts more than middle school did. High school builds on the skills learned in middle school. The transition isn't easy.

From my armchair, I saw all three kids in maybe two classrooms with maybe two or three teachers. I couldn't tell you how many children were in the Newcomers program. But, from where I was sitting, it seemed pretty concentrated and focused. Their teachers were great! I admire teachers. They work very hard, and get very little thanks for it. The boys went to two different schools for the Newcomers program. A Fifth Grade and then a Sixth Grade Newcomers program. They all experienced the same adjustment going from being in one or two classrooms and labs to having seven different classrooms and teachers - and being in a large classroom. Justin was very stressed. He was pulling his hair out, having anxiety and panic attacks. Ethan is feeling overwhelmed. Bella has managed to compose her stress, but it's still there, under the surface. This helplessness and frustration kinda builds up into anger, from what we've seen and experienced. Justin has told us that he feels angry for no reason. 

It could be that helpless and powerless feeling of Fourteen. And desperately trying to find a place. Trying to fit in and find a "crowd".

It's not easy. 

I am watching and waiting to see them each find that one friend - or two, or more - like I found when I was their age. 

There is a Proverb that says that "iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens his (or her) friend." I found that. I had that. I want that for my kids. A friend that builds up and challenges them to be better. It's pretty tricky finding a friend that challenges, sharpens and inspires rather than dares. There's a difference between a Dare and a Challenge. There's verse after verse about what happens to the wrong kind of friend in the wrong kind of crowd.

Watching the kids develop friendships and relationships is kind of like watching them do most anything else. Like watching them ride a bike for the first time or make a lay-up. It's not like Wizard's Chess. They have to do it themselves. 

It's not easy standing on the sidelines cheering.   

The One About Boys And Girls

Dave sez,

Okay, let me get this out of the way right from the start: I never had a girlfriend when I was in school. It was a combination of a few things. I wasn't raised that way. At least, I don't remember being raised that way. Academics was important. Getting good grades was the thing. Yeah, I know, I kinda blew that one. At best, I was a mediocre student. That's being kind and sugar-coating it. I hid that pretty well behind glasses starting in the Fifth Grade. I was a nerd. Not the Lord of the Rings or Chronicles of Narnia kind of nerd. I was the, Who would win, Superman or The Incredible Hulk kind of nerd. (The answer is Batman; because of his utility belt!) I was self-conscious about my appearance. I was also pretty good at being invisible.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to get that out of the way before I share the latest adjustment I'm having with our kids.

Justin doesn't have any self-image problems. He's pretty much over-confident. He's very conscious of his appearance, and takes great care of his looks and appearance. He's very fashion conscious. Okay, I have to confess that, if I could, I would probably have a Batman costume in my closet. I thought it was pretty cool, that track suit that Lee Majors wore as Col. Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. I begged my parents to get me a running suit just like it, and they did.

Yeah, I pretty much wore it around the house until it wore out. And I moved around in slow motion, "nnnuh-nuh-nuh-nuh..." Yeah.

Justin is just as conscious of clothes and shoes.

If I had to sum up my son Justin, I would say, Think Reggie Mantle.

Devious. Mischievous. You would probably recognize Reggie more by the name he goes by now: Artemis Fowl. We all know it, kids a super-villain masterminds. Always plotting, always scheming, always conniving.

Ethan is Jughead, and that is not meant as a slight or insult. Just an honest assessment.

Yes. he's a "foody", but he does like girls.

Our daughter, Bella, is like her The Twilight Saga namesake. A Betty that wants to be a Veronica.

    

The adjustment I'm having to make is that my sons have girlfriends and my daughter has a boyfriend. Walk along with me on this. I'm not having a problem with losing them to someone else. I am more than happy for them to find The One. But what Cathy and I see is, that first rejection, that first abandonment affects all of their relationships. I've seen how it affects their relationship with Cathy and me. How we have to work to trust each other. Over the years, trust has been a big issue. The first six months Justin was home, he was convinced that there was a breaking point, where we could send him back to the orphanage. I'm not sure where exactly he got such a foolish notion from. I don't think anyone from the orphanage or the adoption agency would tell him, Ethan or Bella that. Cathy and I certainly never said that to him. He spent the first six month pushing buttons, to see how far he could push. He's never stopped pushing his boundaries.

I've seen him develop other relationships. Friendships in school.

All three of our kids make friends pretty easily, which is good. 

It's their definition of "friend", that has me concerned. If you're a parent, you have the same concerns. When your child reaches a certain age, like the teenage years, your influence on them pales in comparison to the influence their friends have. It doesn't take a degree in rocket-brain surgery to figure out. Just eyes and ears. And a heart on your sleeve.

As much as we want to be accepted and embraced by our children, they are desperately trying to find acceptance with friends at school. I believe the scientific term for that is "peer pressure".

The basic adjustment I'm trying to make to my three children is that they are not only making friends that I have to adjust and accept, but that Justin and Ethan have girlfriends and Bella has a boyfriend. The adjustment is all semantics.

I tell them they have friends, which is cool. Justin and Ethan have buddies that they hang around with. They also have friends that are girls. Bella has friends that are boys. Their definition of boyfriend and girlfriend is a little different than mine. Justin and Ethan define a girlfriend as a friend that is of the female persuasion whom they hang around with at school. The length of time may vary. It may be a day. It may be a week. Or two. It is a temporary relationship. It is finite. 

My definition of a "girlfriend" for my boys and a "boyfriend" for my daughter is, The One they reach after getting good grades in school and a steady employment. It's great that they have friends. Friends are awesome. But, when you want to do something with your friends, a person kinda needs the means. Some people say it's all about the Benjamins. That ain't no lie. I don't know any girl that isn't impressed by a car, a job or a paycheck. That's not "high maintenance" or "stuck-up". At the same time, I hope my daughter learns to be encouraging and supportive. Peer pressure should work for good as much as it most often works for evil.

I think we all need to be inspired. 

I smile when my kids tell me about new friends they make. The first time Justin told me he had a girlfriend, I asked him, "What's her name?" He said, "I don't know." You have a girlfriend, and you don't know her name? Dude that's not a girlfriend, that's a Crush. Crush is a soda. It comes in a can.

Then I asked what I thought was the most enlightened question in the history of the universe. I was pretty proud of this moment. 

"What color are her eyes?" My son told me, "I don't know."

So, let me see if I got this: you don't know your girlfriend's name or the color of her eyes? Dude that's not even a Crush. Are you sure you're even in the same room?

It took a few days and some convincing, but I got him to take a photo of this girlfriend. They've long since moved on from each other, but hopefully it is one small step forward.

The secret of life: it's all relationships. 

One foot in front of the other, on a journey of a thousand similar similar steps that will lead forward. Forward. Ever onward. A journey that never really ends, but just winds and turns and curves.

God blessed the broken road/That led me straight to you...