FIRST, Real Birthday

Dave sez,

Hi! We're Cathy and Dave. Thanks for taking the time to get to know us and be part of our adventure with Justin and journey to bring Ethan (nee Shani) home. Did you know that, of the total number of boys and girls that need forever, Ukraine has the largest population - near 150,000. So many starfish...

I found this story, from The Daily Mail, yesterday ~

Parents today are giving in to their children's demand for presents whenever they ask for them. The 'Generation Give-In' style of parenting has been embraced by moms and dads who feel guilty for working long hours and don't want their children to be bullied at school for not having the latest 'must-have' item. A new study found that this leads to parents spending an average $750 a year on presents for their kids. Rather than waiting until their son or daughter has 'earned' the privilege of being treated to something new, six in ten parents admit they buy their children the latest trends and collectables as soon as they ask for them. 17% said they didn't want to disappoint their children when they are under peer pressure at school to have the best of everything.

I was raised to look at my birthday less like Christmas and more like Thanksgiving. Dad grew up during the Depression. He grew up with very little. There were times when food was taken away from him and given to working adults. Materialism wasn't a big deal for him. Like most of us, he learned that things and stuff came from either blessings or hard work. And, like most of us he spent his whole life on the hard work.

What I'm trying to pass on to Justin is a bond that he and I will always have. He's my boy. I'm his popi, his dadji, as he calls me now. I will always be there for him. That's stronger than things or stuff.

My dad didn't know what to do with kids. That's not meant as judgement or condemnation or self-pity. It's just the way he was. He worked. When he wasn't working it was usually dinner time. After dinner time he was sleeping. My sister Paula taught me how to fly. I learned my love of baseball from my older brothers Matt and Tim.

The last few years of his life, he introduced himself as my dad. He started conversations by asking people what radio station they listened to. Then he told them where I worked and what I did. He encouraged people to listen.

My son, Justin, wants to DO things with us. Trampoline. Baseball. Basketball. Soccer. Whatever we do, wherever we go, he wants it to be together. A shared experience.

He can not jump high on the trampoline unless I bounce him higher. I love our Trampoline Confessions. He told me that he is trying to listen more. "I'm listening more - I dunno why - but I'm trying!"

I told him that I never had a trampoline growing up. I didn't play much basketball or baseball or soccer or throw a football. I tell him that a lot of the things we're doing I haven't done before he came along.

"I bring you fun?"

Yes. Yes you do.

Yesterday I counted my blessings. It was Justin's FIRST, real birthday. Last year he had only just heard about my birthday. We went out to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ordered a beer without thinking about it. He pushed his Sprite away and put his head down on the table and wouldn't talk any more. Cathy told me to take him away from the table and the beer, up front and talk to him. I did. I was nervous and scared, because it was the first time I had to do anything like that. I kept it simple. I asked him what was wrong. Nothing. I asked if it was the beer. He nodded. "Alcohol makes people do bad things." Can I get an "amen"? I told him I wouldn't have the beer. I wouldn't have any thing that would come between us. We ate. We went home and called the interpreter. While we were all taking turns on the phone translating all of this, my son came over to me and said, "Popi - look: One beer, fine - two beer fine - three beer - NO!", and he waved his arms like he was calling safe at home. Now, when we go out, he gives me permission! And I say, "Yes, sir!"

I'm hoping that by Thanksgiving I have one more blessing to add to my list.

His name is Ethan. He's my next son. He was Justin's cousin. They'll be brothers. That's a bond that can not be broken.

Surprise! Another FIRST!

Dave sez,

Hi! We're Cathy and Dave; and this is our journey from couplehood to parenthood through the wonder that is international adoption. Thanks for taking the time to get to know us and enjoy our adventures...

I thought we had reached the end of our FIRSTS. I thought that any more FIRSTS would come with Shani (Ethan) and Justin together...

This Friday, August 10th  is Justin's 11th birthday. He'd been begging for months for a tram-p'line. He's been begging for a cell phone, too; but, he's serious about the tram-p'line. He wants it; he needs it; he's gotta have it; can't live without it; he'll just die if he doesn't get it! Remember when you were one year going on another and that thing you wanted more than anything else in the whole world was all that you could think about? You would do anything to have it. Promise anything. Agree to anything. Say anything.

One of the challenges we're having is behavior and discipline. He wants to be and say and do whatever he wants and when we punish him it's pretty much useless to take away privileges or stuff - because he is used to having nothing that is his own. Up til now he's shared everything. The children at the orphanage shared everything, sometimes even clothes. So, there is this attitude of both possessiveness - I don't want to share my stuff with anyone else, it's mine - mixed with - Go ahead, take it! Take it all! I don' want it; I don' need it! I don' need anything.

It's a challenge, because what we want Justin to learn is the difference between things that are gifts and things that we work for to earn. Believe it or not, that's a religious principal. There are things that we have that are gifts and blessings that we can't get for ourselves. Other things we work for to earn. Wisdom tells the difference.

So, his mother picked it up the other day, and promised him that if the weather was nice it would be put together yesterday. Friday night it rained. It poured. Just about any time I even think about cleaning up the back yard, it's raining or something. More often than not, the or something is what gets me in trouble.

Justin was upset that it rained and that most of the morning was cloudy and that the grass was wet. I won't tell you how tall I'd let the grass grow this time, but we have three dogs: two bassets and a Jack Russell terrier, and we've outfitted them with infrared so we can easily track them while they are outside in the back yard. Because that's so much easier.

Justin spent most of his time looking out the window, providing color commentary on the cloud-to-sun ratio. "Popi! Look the sun is coming out! Awww, it's cloudy again! The sun is coming out! Awww, it's cloudy again!"

Then it was "you said" time. You said you would put it together today! You're a liar! He spent some time throwing himself on his bed, and some time standing in the corner.

I'm not proud that another one of the projects I've been putting off over the last couple of years of our adventure is hanging a curtain rod. It's a simple five minute project that I've never gotten around to until yesterday.

After that, we agreed it was time to tackle the back yard. Together.

We took turns mowing and raking. I don't consider myself a possessive tool guy, but it is really hard to let go of my baby and stand with a rake in my hand while watching someone else...y'know. It's like the FIRST time you hand the car keys over to your girlfriend or new wife. You know there's nothing wrong - nothing will happen - but there's still that separation anxiety, where both your wife and your son have to pry your fingers off the mower handle while telling you that every thing will be alright. And as much as you want to enjoy the FIRST time your son is mowing the lawn, you try to fight the urge to scream STRAIGHT LINE! STRAIGHT LINE!

It really was enjoyable explaining the mowing process to Justin. He was ready to carve his path, and his name in the lawn, and I was explaining how best he could cut his swath across time on this historic occasion.

Of course the best part was when his mother was mowing and he was following close, and calling out to me, "Popi! Popi! Hurry! Run! Issa poop!"

Awwww, yeah...give that kid a microphone!

And then, suddenly, I was shocked out of my reverie when our faithful lawn mowing companion Tonto/Kato died unexpectedly!

No longer could I fire it up and say, "Let's roll, Kato!"

We had a moment of silence, and then - because we were still in the middle of the project - it was a quick run out for a replacement. Justin was so excited, he kept his usual running commentary going on every second of the process, from pulling it out of the back of the van, to assembling it; filling it with gas and oil and his first firing it up. This one seemed to better fit him than Old Faithful. This could very well be the start of me passing on the reigns of lawn care to Justin and/or Shani (Ethan)

Wow. Just thinking about that, I realize I have been mowing grass for a very long, long time. It's not going to be easy to let something like that go. But, it's for the best. It's a learning experience. I'm learning to trust my son with responsibility. Trust that he is going to make me proud. That he is going to join the pantheon of lawn care specialists!

He will be LEGEND! "The One".

For allowance.