First Fourth

Children of Hope Summer Trip to Crimea

Dave sez, Justin asked if we could go to the pool. Last summer, he and Ethan spent nearly every weekend there.

So, we went to Shopko to get Bella a bathing suit. She wasn't having any of it. She was being particularly difficult. But then, we were all standing around her, trying to help her decide what kind of bathing suit to pick.

"No! I don't want!" She kept saying to Mom.

Cathy had four different selections and a skirt. Her brothers were voting for their selection. "C'mon, Bella!" they were saying.

Since it was the Fourth, the pool was only open until five.

We needed the wisdom of Solomon.

Pick two. The nicest two, and the skirt, and let's go. That's what I heard myself say. I'm not sure if it was exasperation or inspiration. I hate shopping. I'm a hunter/gatherer. I get in, get what I need and go. My idea of an eternal hell is walking up and down every aisle of the grocery store. It's torture. Make a list, shop the necessary aisles and move on. Shopping is a journey, not a destination. It is something on the way to another thing. This was a bathing suit on the way to the pool.

Then we discovered that Justin was wearing Ethan's sandals. He'd outgrown his own and needed new ones. There wasn't a boys size five anywhere to be found. You can tell the difference between boys and girls flip-flops, even when they are designed to be unisex. I'd reached the point where I wanted to claw the skin off my face. If Ethan didn't mind loaning Justin his sandals; and Justin didn't mind borrowing same, there was no real threat to the delicate balance of the universe. We could leave well enough alone. So we did.

We left the store with the option that Bella could swim if she wanted to or sit poolside with Mom.

Four to six weeks a year, the kids of Children of Hope orphanage headed down to the Black Sea of Crimea for a summer trip. I'm thinking that that ended when the Soviet Union retook the region not to long ago. We have pictures of both boys with the other children enjoying their time there. Bella may have gone on a couple of trips there, but there really is no sure way to know if she went swimming. There's no local pools near the orphanage or in Kiev like we have here. Her first Fourth may have included her first bathing suit with the option to swim.

I've been married for nearly a quarter century. I make no claim to understanding women. With Bella I can see clues and signs that she might be self-conscious. She might not be ready to put on a swimming suit and take the plunge. Which is fine. We'll sit topside and watch the boys together. Maybe that's another reason she picked the new name Isabella.

After the pool, I thought it would be nice to head over to where the Memorial was, not too far away.

Ethan, Justin and Bella at the Gettysburg Address

We walked all the way around the outside and then the inside of the Memorial. Ethan and I looked at the number of casualties and wounded. He asked if we could watch a war movie. Since we would be heading to watch fireworks, I told him we could watch a war movie tomorrow (Saturday). I was trying to think which war movie would be right for them to see. Saving Private Ryan? Then it hit me. It was the Fourth. The Patriot. It is not just a war movie, or a movie about Independence. It is a Hollywood, glamourized version of how a father protects his children and fights for the cause of freedom. There are moments when Mel Gibson's father tries to instruct his headstrong son, Heath Ledger. The exchange when Heath Ledger returns to his regiment always gets me. Ledger says he is not a child.

"You're my child!" Gibson barks at him. Gibson's character's whole reason for not engaging in the war for independence is that he is a widowed father of seven. He tells the congress that he's a parent and he doesn't have the luxury of principles. When one son is shot dead and his eldest - Ledger - is taken off to the gallows by Lucius Malfoy, he changes. At first Justin didn't want to watch the movie. He didn't want to watch a violet war movie. He went into his room. It was right before Malfoy fired that he had wandered back out. He sat and watched for a bit. "He looks familiar," Justin said of the Colonel. "Where do I know him from?"

"You cost me my servant!" I said to him, followed by my best, "You shall not harm Harry Potter!"

Oh, yeah...

We discovered the night before that this is Justin's third Fourth and Ethan's second. We talked a little bit about "freedom" and "independence". Who makes us free. Free from what? To do what?

Lee Greenwood's song is pretty much a staple this time of year. I don't like many Billy Ray Cyrus songs; but, he does have one that is right for the Fourth.

"All gave some/Some gave all".

Getting To Know You/Getting To Know All About You...

 

Dave sez, Our children are miracles, I am convinced. At just the right time, Justin found us. Nine months after he came to visit us, we brought him home. While we were over in Kiev, he introduced us to Ethan. He came to visit a couple months later, over Christmas and New Years. Eleven months later, Ethan came home to stay. While we were in Kiev to bring him home, he introduced us to Bella. That was November, 2012. She finally came home to stay a little over thirty days ago.

First Shave

If you are a parent, the FIRST lesson you learn is that nuh-thang can prepare you to be a mom or a dad. There are books you can read; we've read books. There are workshops; we've done workshops. There's counselling; we've gone to counselling. We saw a counselor who led us through a workshop session and then sold us a book. We're re-reading it, it's a really good book.

We knew that Ethan would be excited to have Bella home as his sister. He was the one who asked.

"Masha...sister?"

We spent time with both kids together in Kiev before Ethan came home for good. His question almost every day was, "When will we talk to Masha?"

We weren't sure how excited Justin would be to have a sister. Especially one he hadn't met, spent time with, or gotten to know.

Justin was really very self-conscious about talking with Bells on Skype. He had forgotten quite a bit of Ukrainian in the Newcomers program while we were getting ready to bring Ethan home. We had to keep telling him that Bella needed to hear our voices and see our faces. It didn't matter what we talked with her about. We took her on a tour around the house; we showed her our yard; we introduced her to her new dogs, Max, Maize and Peanut. We just talked to her. The important thing was to let her know we loved her and she would be coming home soon.

We hadn't forgotten her.

I kept telling her that we were coming to bring her home soon. My definition of "soon" was to stretch out my arms and hold my hands apart. By January, I was holding my hands just inches apart under my chin.

"Soon."

 

And then, we were all home. Because of what was going on in Kiev, we didn't go out very much.

 

Justin had a couple of things to adjust to. First, that his sister, Bella, is a girl. B, she's not much of a tomboy. The best way to describe Justin is that he is an Energizer Bunny.

 

He just keeps going, and going, and going, and going; until he flops into bed at the end of the day to go to sleep - and even then he has to be tied down and sedated. We don't really do that, but you kinda get the idea. He's indefatigable. He can get up, get ready for school; play a little one-on-one before the bus; shoot some hoops after school; hop on the trampoline, then watch a block of Avatar and still not be ready for bedtime.

Ethan, on the other hand, is happy as a clam to sit downstairs by himself and play video games. He has little energy and a short attention span for much physical activity. He reminds me so much of me. I guess when I was younger I would have been considered either Goth or a vampire, because I hardly ever went outside; I thought I would either melt or fry in direct sunlight.

I really wish I could stop making an ash of myself...

We didn't ask questions about Bella while we were in Kiev to bring Ethan home. We didn't ask many questions before going to bring her home. We agreed that we would find out every thing about her at our SDA appointment and from the orphanage when we went back to bring her home. What we found out was that she is a little more like Ethan than Justin.

As excited as Justin is to have his sister home; he's just a little bit bummed out that she can't keep up with him. That she doesn't even try! Of course, she came home and was immediately overwhelmed by two brand new brothers! The first thirty days she hasn't really had much personal space from her brothers. She's taken to spending whatever free time she can steal away from them in her room.

Said the Energizer Bunny in frustration about his sister, "She sucks!" Remember girls, he's single! And quite the catch!

Now, I kid, because I love.

Justin is worried that he is losing his special relationship with Mom. She has a daughter to have things in common with. Justin is worried that he'll be replaced. He has to sit next to Mom, between her and Bells on the sofa. Hopefully sooner rather than later the light bulb will go on. We're being patient and waiting for Bells to come out of her shell a little. Ethan...well, he's pretty much Ethan. His Ethan-ness is pretty much unique. Sometimes bordering on legendary. He has his moments. We all do.

So far, the good moments outweigh the bad. The bad, are few and far between.

Thirty Days

First month!

Dave sez,

Today is Monday, June 30th, 2014. Bella has been home for a month now...

Bells and I flew out of Barispol Kiev, Friday, May 30th. It was the third time I'd left Kiev. The third time wasn't any easier than the first. As much as Cathy and I worked with Bells on her sentences and English, she wasn't that much different from Ethan and Justin. As far as we knew, she had never been outside of Kiev, or out of Ukraine. The airport was just as new and strange as her home was going to be. At five-thirty in the morning we sat in the airport. For the third time, I was nervous about the precious cargo I was bringing home with me.

Justin and I flew through Amsterdarn. Both Ethan and Bella flew back with me through Frankfurt. Passing through security, I handed Ethan's and my passports to one of the officers. The officer looked at the passports, then Ethan and I. The passports, then Ethan and I again. He motioned us to follow him into a small office where other officers were sitting around a desk. There was an officer sitting behind the desk. He talked with Ethan. I can only imagine that he was asking my son if he really wanted to go home with me. I stood there praying that he would answer, "Yes." As we found a seat and waited for our flight. There was an announcement that our flight to Frankfurt had been cancelled because of the runway conditions there. I must have looked especially nervous after talking to security, because a man sitting behind us turned around and told us that there was some mistake and that there would be another announcement any minute correcting the error. He was right. There was a mistake. There was another announcement. Our flight was still on.

Bells sat quietly with me as we waited for our flight. She kept up with me as we made our way through the airport in Frankfurt from Gate B to Gate Z. When Justin and I caught our connection in Amsterdarn, he and I disagreed over what movies he could and would watch on the long flight to the Twin Cities. Ten-year-old Justin wanted to watch a movie called The Hangover Part II. I was hoping that he would watch Green Lantern, or one of the animated features available on the flight. He and I argued and struggled for most of the flight, up until the final two hours. Ethan found a couple comedies and laughed loudly watching them. A man across the aisle from us kept looking over at me with a big grin on his face. With Bells, I watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory and, Saving Mr. Banks. She watched a couple movies, Saving Mr. Banks was one she started. Mostly, though, she slept on the flight.

Justin was a handful getting through Customs at MSP. Ethan and I had a short wait at Customs at O'Hare. When Bells and I made our way through O'Hare Customs it was a madhouse. I didn't sleep or nap on the flight. By the time we got to Chicago, I was beat. With each of the three kids I had a big gold envelope to hand off at Customs. All three times we ended up in a huge crowd together. With Bells, I pulled out the envelope and held it up like John Cusack in Say Anything. A sympathetic Customs agent directed me and Bella to the right gate. The officer at the gate directed us to another officer who escorted us to a waiting area. We waited for about fifteen or twenty minutes while the envelope was processed. From there we were directed to exit Gate 3. Which on a Friday afternoon at the end of May was closed. We made our way through the mob at Gate 1. Then there was another twenty minute wait for one of Chicago's Finest to come back from lunch and wade through a stack of packets including ours so we could make our connection. There was an officer covering the counter while he was gone. Multitasking. He was not happy. He made sure we all knew. Loudly. I'm pretty sure even the suburbs were glad when the officer came back from lunch to man his station. Our 3:35 flight boarded at a quarter after. Once we were through and racing to our gate we joined the crowd at 3:16.

When Bella and I got off our flight at MSP, her adventure was just beginning. She now had a family and two brothers to adjust to...

 

Stay tuned!

The One That Asks The Big Question

Dave sez, Who are you? What makes you you?

We got the final court decree today. Tomorrow we will start the process of getting Bella's new identification. We stood up before the judge and asked for permission to adopt her; permission to change her name, and permission to be named as her parents on her new birth certificate. As a regional court, that means that we have to travel to the Regional Office of Vital Records to begin the process. Once we are done there, then we will come back into Kiev and the City Office of Vital Records. There is a good deal of waiting involved in this part of the process. Once this is done, then, we can apply for her tax identification number (we know it in America as her Social Security number); and then her Ukrainian passport.

So, here we are in an apartment in Kiev; I am looking at all the cards in my wallet and my passport. I am looking at the images and numbers that make up who I am.

What I am learning, is who these three new individuals are. I am still learning who Ethan and Justin are becoming. That's the important part. Once you start a process like this, it really doesn't have an ending. This never reaches completion. It is always ongoing, developing. If you're a parent, too, you see this process just as we do. It is such a joy to see their personalities and character and quirks develop. It is also so much fun to be a part of shaping that. Working on homework assignments, playing games and just spending time together. Answering questions.

Learning who we are. Learning who we are to each other.

The only thing I can tell you is that something inspired me to hug Justin tight at the end of our first visit at the orphanage, when we came to bring him home, look him in the eye and tell him, "Never let you go. Never ever let you go." He said it back to me as "Nevuhlectahgo. Nevuhevuhletchahgo." I keep saying it to him; and to Ethan. And now to Bella.

¹ Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
    in the heavens.
² Through the praise of children and infants
    you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
    to silence the foe and the avenger.
³ When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,
⁴ what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
    human beings that you care for them?

⁵ You have made them a little lower than the angels
    and crowned them with glory and honor.
⁶ You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
    you put everything under their feet:
⁷ all flocks and herds,
    and the animals of the wild,
⁸ the birds in the sky,
    and the fish in the sea,
    all that swim the paths of the seas.

⁹ Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

 

Psalm 8

The One About The Lazy Sunday

Sunday, May the 4th, 2014

click on the image to see where I got it from

Dave sez, Today is a lazy Sunday. The unofficial "Star Wars" day. May the Fourth. As in, May the Fourth be with you. It always sounds like Obi-Wan or Luke have a lisp. Can you imagine Darth Vader lisping, "The Fourth is strong with this one,"? Maybe if it was Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet in Mel Brooks' Spaceballs, maybe...

Randy Travis turns 55 today. In the radio biz that I work in, that's known as turning double-nickels!

The late Audrey Hepburn would have turned 85. She's best known for melancholy roles like Sabrina with Humphrey Bogart and William Holden (brilliantly remade with Harrison Ford and Greg Kinnear, but I digress) Roman Holiday with Gregory Peck and Eddie Albert; My Fair Lady with Rex Harrison; and Breakfast at Tiffany's with The A-Team's Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith, the equally late, George Peppard.

Paul Xavier Gleason star of The Breakfast Club and Die Hard, just two of his many roles would have turned 75 (along with Batman, since they were both born in 1939!) His most famous line from The Breakfast Club ~

 

 

 

- and don't you forget it! The Lego Movie's Will Arnett, *NSYNC's Lance Bass and Pia Zadora are all adding another year today too.

 

Tomorrow, my sister and brother-in-law, Paula and John will be married for FORTY years.

 

They're lookin' pretty AWESOMETACULAR ain't they?

That is an achievement in this day and age. My folks married later in life and they were married 35 years when my dad passed away from prostate cancer in 2000. Mother's Day, 2000. That's coming up. On May 10th, my mom turns 81.

 

 

On Tuesday, Cathy and I will celebrate 24 years together. There's a Kiefer Sutherland, 24 joke in there somewhere, I'm sure.

 

Oh, yeah, anyway, we're just sitting around the apartment enjoying a quiet, lazy Sunday.

 

What's on my mind today, is I want you to imagine that you are five or six years old. The first people in the world you develop a relationship based on trust break that trust. For whatever reason - can't or don't - the people that made the conscious decision to bring you into the world have changed their minds. You are not theirs anymore. You are not any one's anymore. You're really no one. The people that define you, do not anymore.

 

On this lazy Sunday afternoon, I am very thankful that each one of my three children chose me. They chose me and Cathy. They each said to us and to a judge, I want them to be my parents. I want him to be my dad.

 

Cathy and I have talked from time to time about The Butterfly Effect. Basically, it is the idea that if a person could travel back in time and make a change - any change at all; like say, killing a butterfly, or in George Bailey's case in It's A Wonderful Life, erasing, or eliminating your own existence - profound changes take place. If Cathy and I had done any thing differently over the last twenty-four years, it is possible that we would not be blessed with Bella, Ethan or Justin.

 

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, I think how each one of the children were introduced to us. Justin introducing us to Ethan; and, in turn, Ethan introducing us to Bella.

 

I look back over the last twenty-four years. There are some things I would have wanted to go differently. But not so differently that we wouldn't be where we are right now.

 

      

 

That's for sure.

 

Forever Five

The Fourth will be with you, always.

The One About The Three Plates For Breakfast

So, this was breakfast Thursday morning...

Dave sez, I consider myself to be a God-fearing Christian. I believe that Jesus came and died for my sins. And it has taken me a long time to not worry or care what anyone else thinks of that. I still feel a little self-conscious, though. What this journey that Cathy and I are on has taught me is there are things that I have no control over. There are things that I am part of that are much bigger and grander than I am. There are times when I need to just sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride. Adoption is a roller coaster ride.

When we got back to the orphanage from our visit to the SDA and notary with Valentin, we had planned to celebrate this milestone with Masha. Cathy and I walked over to the market not too far away and got a small cake, a loaf of bread, some sausage, cheese spread and apple juice. The cake was sliced, and we cut each slice in half to share with the other children and the care givers. In return, we had potato soup, along with a delicious plate of fish, mashed potatoes and chopped beets.

Now, the reason I share with you that I consider myself a God-fearing Christian, is that I believe in answered prayer. A few years ago, when I posted my resolution to "Be a Dad in 2011" on Facebook, I had said that in prayer. I have thanked God every day for each one of our children. I have seen that things I have asked for have happened and been given. Like I said, it's taken me awhile to be okay with that being my thing. Because it really is just my thing, and by extension it is Cathy's and my thing. If it's your thing, that's great. But if it's not your thing, that's okay, too.

As we were finishing our celebration lunch, Igor came in and sat down with us. He said that he was going to make arrangements for us to sign Masha out of the orphanage.

Mama watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with her daughter

I can only imagine what Cathy's reaction was, but I nearly fell out of my chair and passed out. This was answered prayer. We weren't exactly sure if we could share this. I'm still not completely convinced that we're not violating some rule by sharing this. But I want to encourage you. I want you to know just how incredible this journey has been. That all of the ups and downs have been more than worth it; and the peaks of joy have more than made up for the challenging valleys that we have encountered. If our journey has been about anything it has been about hope. At least for me. There were times when I thought I would never have any children; times when I thought I would only have one child. Here we are now, blessed with three! Cathy and I have gone from a very dark and sad state of hopelessness to delirious joy.

Do you want to build a snowman?/Or ride our bikes around the hall?

God has answered my prayer. Not just my prayer, but Cathy's; and every prayer said for us.

Bella's view of the room from her bed

The big, wide world is a bit overwhelming and scary. There are a lot more choices than there used to be. What we are doing is using the Google Translate app and communicating that way.

The sketch comes pretty close, don't you think?

Thursday, May 1st and Friday, May 2nd are holidays here in Kiev. "The Day of International Solidarity of Workers". This is a holdover from Russia. We got an automatic alert from the U.S. Embassy here in Kiev through the STEP program we signed up for advising us to be aware of marches and parades Thursday morning at 10am. So, we had a late breakfast of scrambled eggs, bread and juice.

We took a walk over to St. Andrew's and the SDA building. We went inside St. Andrew's. Cathy and I said a prayer of thanks. We've been saying prayers of thanks when we eat and before going to sleep, too.

We walked down the hill behind St. Andrew's and the SDA and had lunch at Domino's. We asked Bella what kind of pizza she wanted. The choice was a bit daunting, but we learned that she's not a big fan of pineapple...at least not pineapple on pizza. But she was a real trooper and ate it anyway. Cathy got a salad and we shared our pizza with her. Bells isn't really a big soda drinker either. Which is fine by me. Instead of walking back up the hill, we took the train to Maidan station and we let her pick out a couple barrettes in a shop in the subway. Mama let her stand in line and pay for them herself. I bit my lip and paced.

I find myself trying not to stare and watch her reactions to the Big, Wide World. It's one thing to have to face it all, and then another thing on top of it to feel self conscious about it all.

I certainly realize just how blessed I am. I see what I am very thankful for.

We will be getting the Court Decree approving our petition to adopt Bella on Monday, May 12th. Then, she'll be getting a new birth certificate and passport. After that she'll have a physical with a doctor here for her visa from the Embassy and we will be on our way to our Happily Ever After.

In just a few weeks from now, we will be the Forever Five.

Our Day In Court

Dave sez, I am a creature of habit. I am a slave to a routine.

Max, the late Milo and Maize

I get up every morning at five. This is for two reasons. We have three dogs. Their body clock is set to "Early!" So, I get up and put them out at five in the morning. Then I have some quiet time before everybody else gets up. The only time this routine changes is on the weekends when our basset Maize lets me sleep in until seven on Saturday and Sunday.

This morning, I got up at my usual time. I didn't have a whole lot of personal, quiet time. I hadn't shaved in a couple of days, so I did that. Shaved, showered, had a bite and then brushed my teeth. You remember the story during the Sochi Olympics about the tap water there. We have a gallon of water in the bathroom specifically for brushing our teeth. I don't yodel in the shower here like I would at home. I am a yodelin' fool. At about six-twenty-five, I woke Cathy up.

This was an early day because our court appearance was at nine o'clock.

M*A*S*H 4077th Compound

Normally, our routine would be shifted about an hour later than this morning to visit Masha at the orphanage. But with court, we had to be out there at eight o'clock. Eight is when the doors to the underground mall are usually unlocked for commuters to make their way through from Maidan station. At seven o'clock as we were making our way down to the Square, the mall was darkened and still closed. So we decided to walk across Independence Square - above the mall - and through the barricade.

Independence Square, Kiev, Ukraine



Now, remember, looking at the picture above, from the base of that monument heading back across the street to the corner where the burned out Exchange building is, that is a compound of tents and shelters. If you're like me and you grew up watching M*A*S*H, it was like walking through the 4077th Compound. As we entered there was an area where a log splitter was set up. We saw a shelter that had a television. I'm wondering if that was cable- or satellite-ready or just for DVD's.

 

 

Near that street that divides the Square into two halves is another entrance to the subway. It is surreal to think that after all these months commuters are still making their way through the narrow corridor through the compound as if it were now just a part of the landscape.

 

 

By 7:10 we were standing on the curb outside Holosiivska station. Within minutes a 507 pulled up to the curb and we were on board. by 7:30 we were at the orphanage.

 

We got to the courthouse a little before nine o'clock. We were a large group in the judges chamber at 9:10. The judges chambers are a narrow, and long. Here desk was set opposite the door into her chambers. The wall behind her was a long window. She had two staff. Their desks faced each other on the right side of the office. We all sat on chairs on the left side wall. Our facilitator translated for us as the case and petition was read.

 

Once again the judge recognized us. She remembered that we had adopted not once, but twice before. Cathy had brought a photo book and showed off how our boys have been doing. She asked how they are. I said, Fantastic. And tried not to sound like The Ninth Doctor.

 

Then she asked about Masha. We told her that we had met her when we were here for Ethan. We connected then and couldn't imagine her not being a part of our family. She got more specific. Why Masha? Why Kiev a third time? I told the judge that I have two boys that I love and enjoy very much. I know that Cathy needs that kind of relationship - with a daughter. Why Kiev? Why a third time? Our boys are from here. Our children are from Kiev.

 

There was a bit of standing up and sitting down; we both formally had to ask permission to adopt Masha, permission to change her name and permission to be named as her parents on her new birth certificate.

 

It's a GIRL!

After court, our facilitator was able to get a few things done at the SDA and with the notary ahead of our court decree, which we expect to have in ten days, around Monday, May 12th. Maybe a day or two later, either Tuesday or Wednesday, will be her Gotcha Day, when we sign her out of the orphanage and make our final arrangements to come home forever.

 

Then we'll be the Forever Five!