The One With All The Thoughts And Feels

Dave sez,

So Justin has been home just a little over four years now. He's adjusting and fitting in. Like most of us were and are in high school, he's desperate to find his niche with the "cool crowd" and fit in.

We will celebrate Ethan's third anniversary home with us in just a few days, on December 7th. To me, it is still "a date that will live in in-FAMY!"

Bella's second anniversary home comes up at the end of next May, 2016. She has a young man in her life now. Her First Boyfriend. They've been an item since the end of Summer.

One of the things I've learned over the last few months is that adoption includes everything. We didn't just adopt three children. We adopted their habits. Their character. We adopted their choices and decisions. Their friends. Their potential. Their ambition...or lack of it.


November has been the annual National Adoption Month. Over the last few weeks there has been a lot of talk about refugees.

I have to be honest, I don't have an opinion. Even if I did, I don't think I have a place to share it. I've come to the conclusion that most people are blowhards. I include myself when I say that. I like movies, television shows and music. It really doesn't matter to me whether or not Charlie Sheen is HIV-positive. It doesn't matter to be whether or not he was blackmailed or pressured into the confession. I don't care if Kim Kardashian wants a natural child birth over a C-section, for purely cosmetic reasons. I'm just thinking about how to get from the beginning of my day to the end. Without a lot of psychological or emotional damage.

I have a lot of opinions that I choose to keep to myself. I think more people should do that. But then, there wouldn't be blogs or news programs or networks.

As concerned as I am for my family's safety, and the safety of this Country, let me share a couple of things I learned through our adoption journey that I reflect back on in forming an opinion on allowing refugees to become American citizens.

It was either the first or second night we had arrived in Kiev to bring Justin home. We had found a Russian restaurant. It was amazing. There was a waiter there who spoke English. He was very friendly and he took very good care of us. Both the service and the food was fantastic. The Russian salad and the borscht were delicious. It was late when Cathy and I left our friends to walk back to our apartment.

Up the street, a man was getting out of a car. He walked toward, then passed us. He dropped a zip lock bag of cash. Without thinking, instinctively, I reached down, picked it up and handed it to him. The next thing I know, he's saying there were two bags of cash, one of hrivnas, which I handed him, another of US dollars, which he claimed I held on to. A "plainclothes officer" came over to "help" and they both searched us. They made off with the big bills we had on us.

We learned that there are no plainclothes officers in Ukraine.

We learned that in any disagreement like that the proper response is, Stop. Wait. Let me call the US Embassy.

We learned that no matter where you go, there are bad people; or people doing bad things.

We were told to blend in and not look like Americans or tourists. I spent the entire first trip, bringing Justin home, wearing a green plaid Rochester Honkers baseball cap. Not too many men in Ukraine wear hats or ball caps. Bringing Ethan home I bought two ball caps while there, one from the Chernobyl Hard Rock Cafe - there isn't one - and one was the blue and yellow Ukraine cap I wore everywhere for a year.

After Cathy went home, on all three trips, I tried to be as careful as I could.

I stopped in McDonald's before heading out to visit Justin. There were very few quiet booths or counters to sit at. The dining area is very much like a lunchroom. I ended up sitting across from a gentleman who struck up a conversation with me. He asked what I was doing in Kiev. Business or pleasure. I told him that my wife - who was back at the apartment - and I were adopting. I didn't volunteer much information, 'cos my Dad and Mom tol' me never to talk to strangers. He seemed pretty friendly. I don't remember all these years later what he told me about himself and how he came to be sitting across from me at McDonald's in Independence Square.

A year later, when Ethan and I got to the airport, a soldier motioned us into a small office where other officers asked him if he really wanted to go to America with me. Let me be clear, these Ukrainian soldiers asked my son in the airport before our nineteen hour flight home if he really wanted to come to America with me.

The next thing that happened was, there was an announcement in the airport over the PA that our flight to Frankfurt had been cancelled due to runway conditions there. We were sitting near a gentleman who turned to us and told us that there would be another announcement reversing that. There was. He struck up a conversation with Ethan. he turned to me and asked if I spoke Ukrainian. Then he told me that he could translate if there was anything I wanted to talk to my son about. It was one of those moments. There were so many things I wanted to tell my son, but not really anything I wanted to be translated. I wanted to tell him myself in a way that he would understand. And yet, this stranger was very kind and thoughtful.

And yet, we had Thanksgiving dinner with our host and her friends. Ethan helped prepare dinner. They asked me to pray over the meal. In English. They said "Amen."

Ukraine changed from the Fall of 2013 through the following Spring of 2014. Anyone old enough to remember the compound from the television series M*A*S*H will understand when I compare Independence Square to the 4077th Compound.

Kinda like this, but more tents, and a very narrow walking path

 That Russian restaurant was gone. Closed.

The Double Click Cafe coffee house where I bought a soda and used the internet was closed, too.

We kept our heads down and didn't make eye contact.

There are signs on the inside of all the apartment doors warning not to open to anyone - even to police.

Every time I went to the American Embassy, all I had to do was walk up to someone and say I was an American. That was my All-Access Pass. There were a lot of native Ukrainians waiting on line for their chance to reach freedom.

So, should we adopt refugees? I don't know. There are just as many reasons not to as there are that it is both humanitarian and Christian.

Please don't compare today's refugees to Jewish refugees. The United States did inter Asians as a threat during World War II. That is a better comparison. We did take this land and conquer it and the indigenous population nearly wiping out an entire race and culture. We enslaved others. We have a history of domestic oppression. To this day, some Americans think that's not unusual. Or wrong.

What I do know is that on our first trip outside America, we were met with both the best and the worst. In our time of need, in adopting our children, we have seen great compassion and help from others. The people Cathy and I came into contact with in Ukraine were very generous, patient and understanding with us. We were strangers in a strange and foreign land. Trying to become a family.

Our family is a melting pot, kinda like this country says it is.

Make of that whatever you want to.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and that you experience the true fullness of the holiday season.            

Don't Put Off Today, What You Can Skip Doing Next Week!

Dave sez,

I am a terrible procrastinator. That's probably not the best confession to make, especially to my three kids, who have a limitless number of distractions. I mean, when I was a kid, we had to invent distractions. Maybe you remember? I grew up right after a few of the greatest inventions: the wheel, sliced bread and dirt. At least, that's according to Justin, Ethan and Bella. They are under the impression that Cathy and I grew up when time was invented. So, a motto like, Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can skip until next week is not the best example to set for a couple of guys that want to wait until tomorrow to mow the backyard - when the forecast is calling for rain tomorrow. Or, kids that will walk around a basket full of clothes - even though they would have you believe that it's not really there - rather than fold or hang anything.

I am finding more and more that having kids - especially teenagers - means being at the "top of your game", every second.

There is no harsher critic.

They remember every thing you say.

They watch every thing you do.

They follow every action and habit.

I think it may be time to set some new school year resolutions to set a better example...

I love to read. The kids...not so much. I've found that it's probably a better example to be seen reading a paperback than a comic book when my boys have a reading log to fill out. Avatar, Naruto and Darth Vader may be pretty engaging, but some of the titles on the ninth grade reading list are classics like Lord of the Flies, The Martian Chronicles, To Kill a Mockingbird, Animal Farm, Of Mice and Men, Ender's Game and The Odyssey. Books that I found brutally painful to wade through - I'm looking at you, John Steinbeck - but have an important value to developing and defining a personality.

I'm finding that's what our three have been all about over the last few months of summer vacation.

Developing an individual personality and identity.

As our three kids discover the opposite sex, I thought it might be educational to read Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. It does have swords. There are epic battles. It's like a written version of a video game...

Maybe they won't fall in love with reading. I'm okay with that. Reading expands thinking and imagination.

Reading is just one of the things I want to help my kids with.

Overall, I am finding that to expect the best from my kids, I have to give them my best effort. It's not easy. I may not see the results right away. But even small victories are worth celebrating.

See what I have to put up with?

 
     

The One About The Time You Put In

Dave sez,

I learned my work ethic from my parents, just like Cathy did from hers.

One of the best reminders came when I changed careers and started in broadcasting. One of the instructors said to be indispensable. He told us in class that if one of the personalities was looking for something, like say a Sharpie, for instance, be the person with the Sharpie. In other words, be the person with the thing that everyone else needs when they need it. I've always taken that instruction to heart.

Last summer, Justin went around the neighborhood asking our neighbors to mow their lawn. A couple of them were very generous.

A friend of his told him about the new law, where kids under sixteen can work a limited schedule at places like McDonald's and Wendy's. On his birthday, I went with him to McDonald's and sat with him while he filled out an application. He had an interview a couple of days later. It was his first official job interview. I'm not sure who was more nervous, him or me. I asked him how it went. My son likes to project this image of being tough and cool. He's not alone. Ethan and Bella like to project an image of cool and calm confidence. That they are in complete control. I was amused to hear Justin use the word nervous describing how he felt in the interview. He was nervous about the questions he would be asked. I told him to be himself and be honest. It's been a over a month and he hasn't gotten a call back. I'm not so much worried about that. He's more focused on school. Cathy and I told him homework and grades come first.

As an aside, Justin was determined. One of his friends had told him about working in the food service industry. So, Justin was determined that he was going to do the same thing. Cathy's and my reaction was to remind him of his priorities. School comes first. He dug his heels in. It was only when we embraced the idea and supported him in his quest that things changed.

From time to time I encourage him in the job he already has. Chores around the house. Gentle reminders that he shouldn't need gentle reminders to do his chores. Thursdays are garbage days, gathering up all the trash bags from the trash cans around the house and putting the can out at the curb for Friday pickup. That's a joint project that he and his brother, Ethan, work on together. Weekends are for cleanup projects around the house. All three kids work on cleaning up after themselves, doing their own laundry and putting their clothes away.

Justin has a regular appointment to mow the neighbor's lawn. I reminded him that if our neighbors are paying him to mow their lawn, they shouldn't ever have to do it themselves.

Be the one with the Sharpie when someone needs a Sharpie.

    

The Road Ahead

Dave sez,

Cathy and I may have missed out on diapers and the "Terrible-Two's", but we are not missing a minute of the "Terrible-Teens". Don't get me wrong, our three kids are awesome. I don't mean to embarrass them in any way. I am so proud of every accomplishment. But we are all entering into that The Twilight Zone, that every child and every parent enters, where every second counts, and there are more teachable moments than there are not. Every choice, every fashion accessory, every lunchbox brings a new different lesson and consequences.

The road ahead is fraught with potholes and construction and gapers blocks. There is a sign-post ahead that reads...

...The Twilight Zone.

Justin is a great kid. He's shown that he's a survivor. No matter what, he has a very strong, basic survival instinct. I believe he'd last through the coming Zombie Apocalypse. I'd want him covering my back. He's very independent and has shown great leadership and mentoring qualities. Every time we talk, though, he tells me that he doesn't want to be a leader. That tells me he's ready to be one. He doesn't want to stand out. He wants to blend in and fit in. He wants to be cool and impress his friends. He wants to do the right thing, but still wants to impress his friends. Who hasn't wanted to do that, especially in high school! He wants to develop the high school super-power of camouflage. And he's telling me this, when I remember that my high school super-power was invisibility. I didn't want to be seen in high school.

Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.

What parent wants their son or daughter to be part of the pack - or the herd - or the masses? We all want to applaud the unique, singular achievements of our kids.

I am a man! I am not a NUMBER!

I don't want Justin - Ethan, or Bella - to be lost in a crowd.

I remember the crowd. The crowd was pretty safe. There's really no responsibility or accountability in the crowd.

As parents, we all know the downside to any crowd...

That's why we want them to stand out, right?

The other challenge that Cathy and I are facing as new parents of teenagers, is the growth of independence and questioning and challenging - - authority.

We hear a lot of "Why?"

I try to keep my answers pretty simple and basic. Y'know, even if you're not religious, you end up teaching your kids trust and faith. Trust in some things and some people bigger, better and smarter than they are. Even if you want them to believe in things like birthday presents, anniversaries and Christmas morning.

Sure, we could try to build independent, self-reliant adults that don't need anybody else. I don't know that I want my boys and my daughter growing up to be that. I'm not sure "trust in yourself, and no one else" is such a good motto to live by. I try to remind them every day of the uncanny miracle that brought each one of them to us. I don't believe in coincidence. There's no way that Cathy and I should be parents, let alone their parents.

    

I'd change that quote a little for Cathy and me as parents. Life moves pretty fast. It's important to keep our eyes open so we don't miss it. Kids change so quickly, from one minute to the next. Especially when every second counts.

Even though there are a lot of headaches, and heartaches, the reward is worth the challenge.



One Big Happy

What We Leave Behind...

Dave sez,

Next Tuesday is Ethan's birthday. When we went to his new middle school to pick up his schedule and have his photo taken, we met both his counselor and principal. His principal promised him that when he saw him in the hall next week, on the first day of school, on his birthday, he would stop and sing happy birthday to him.

Ethan is leaving behind the Newcomers program. Cathy and I think he's a late bloomer, which is alright with us. He's been in the Newcomers program at a couple schools. His teachers think the world of him. The Newcomers program is concentrated and specialized. It's one, or two classrooms, and lab. It's learning English. It's getting ready before diving headfirst into mainstream classrooms. Ethan is not his brother, Justin; or, his sister, Bella. But we have warned him that Justin's first semester was a bit of a culture shock; going from one or two classrooms with just a couple teachers, to hustling from one classroom to another on the other side of school. Imagine growing up on a farm out in the country and then moving to a big city like Minneapolis-St. Paul, Chicago or New York and you kinda have the idea. Looking at Ethan's schedule, it's laid out brilliantly. Most of morning classes are not to far from his locker. Then he heads downstairs for a class right before lunch in the cafeteria, and his next class after that is just down the hall. Bada-bing, bada-boom. Cake!

I read somewhere a while back that fewer and fewer people sew. It is becoming a lost art or craft. More people buy their clothes than sew them. With the whole world in front of her, Bella has taken up an interest in sewing. She wants to become a fashion designer. Right now, I'd guess she is more of a fashionista. Her grandmother, my mom, has sewn for at least the half century that I have been alive. The dining room table was taken over by a cutting board. I have a closet full of homemade Hawaiian shirts. throughout high school, Mom made pajamas and robes and patched holes in my wardrobe. It's kinda cool to see her and Bella bonding over needle and thread. Grandma bought Bella her first sewing machine. Then went out and bought her a second sewing project: pattern, material and thread.

I picked up the guitar and played for a few years through high school. I was in a band with a couple buddies. When we wanted to record a demo, Mom and Dad not only encouraged it, but supported it. When I started my career in broadcasting, Dad would introduce start conversations by asking people what radio station they listened to and then introducing himself as my dad. I was a morning show stunt man, called The Gerbil. My dad was in his late '60's introducing himself around town as "The Gerbil's dad". He didn't spend a whole lot of time telling me how much he loved me or how proud he was of me. He showed it. He told everybody else.

My guitar has sat in the closet a lot longer than I've wanted it to. Probably because a few years ago a few more strings than I've wanted have gotten broken.

When Justin first came to visit, he picked up my acoustic and just banged on it.

What Justin leaves behind is middle school. He and his sister Bella are 9th graders this year. Over the years of Newcomers and Middle School, Justin has never learned cursive handwriting. In this digital, keyboard age, cursive handwriting isn't taught anymore. With social media, iPhones, Skype and e-mail, there really isn't a need to learn how to sit down and write a letter or thank-you note. Justin has to practice signing his name before he can sign his name. It's funny to watch. Except when I see his hand hesitate and shake, and I realize just how hard it is and how paralyzing it is. We have to talk him through the process of how to sign his name in cursive. Instead of just leaving an "X" mark.

First Day of School 2014

Ethan, Bella and Justin have a lot to look forward to, starting the new school year. Our journey is bringing us to an Undiscovered Country of New Freshmen and a New Middle Schooler. Each day is going to bring us something new, different, exciting and hopefully wonderful. Isn't that something we all want with our kids? Something wonderful? A new day bringing a thrilling new pulse-pounding adventure?

Warp Factor Ten. "Let's see what's out there."

Make it so.  

The First Fifty

Dave sez,

I'm not having any trouble turning 50. "The big Five-O" ("Book 'em Danno!") I think that's maybe because a lot of people tell me that I don't act look my age.

I was in my late twenties when Cathy told me I would be great in radio. Well, she might have actually said I had a face for radio... I spent a few months as an intern at Shadow Traffic, in the Hancock Building in Chicago. Shadow Traffic provided road reports for all of the radio stations in Chicago. On a clear day, you can see not only the major highways - the Dan Ryan, the Eisenhower, the Stevenson, Lake Shore Drive and the Skyway - you can see Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin and Iowa. After my internship at Shadow Traffic, I worked part-time as a paid intern at US*99. I worked there a couple of years and then got a job overnights at Q-98.5 in Rockford. I was the local board operator for the nationally syndicated After Mid-Nite with Blair Garner. When the show was automated, I moved to mornings as the morning show producer. When I started working mornings, a new afternoon personality was hired. As we got to know each other, I found out how old he was and he learned how old I was.

Cathy's and my anniversary came up. He asked if we had to ask our parents' permission to get married. I told him Yeah, I went to dinner with Cathy's mom and dad and asked permission to marry her. He stopped me and asked if I had to get my parents' permission to get married. Our afternoon guy was eighteen, and he thought I was the same age, and wondered how I could be married for five years. We both had a big laugh when I told him that I was thirty and that Cathy and I got married when I was twenty-five. He told me that I did not look that old.

To this day, people still tell me that I do not act look my age. Of course, my wife has been telling me for the last quarter century to grow up. Now that we have kids, it's kind of a different story. She tells me to lighten up.

I'll never forget when Justin first came home. He had first started school. I guess all the kids started talking about their parents and how old their parents are. He came home and asked how old Cathy and I were. I think he was a little surprised that we're older parents - or at least, older than his friends' parents were in the newcomers program. Cathy and I talked to him one night about it, and we asked if he was having any problems with our ages. It may have been a challenge at first, but now he makes a joke about how old we are.

Ethan and Bella were a little surprised at first, too.

I have no explanation for this collar...

Bells saw this old picture of me, and laughed so hard she snorted. "That's you?!" I said, Yeah, that's me. She couldn't believe it at first.

There are moments when I wish that Cathy and I had started our family a little earlier - when we were younger. Just like there are times when I wish we hadn't missed our kids early years. Those are fleeting moments. What we have is pretty special and cool. As much as I would like to change things, I wouldn't want to change to much to miss what we have. Yeah, I wish we could have been there when each one of our kids was born, and been there from the beginning. We're still together now, and that's pretty cool, too. Cathy and I may not have been able to change their diapers or be there at the beginning. But there are still some pretty cool, special times ahead.

There are still a lot of good years ahead.

   

The One About All The Mowing

Dave sez,

"Dad, can I mow?"

What do you say to that?
I never thought I would be a Dad. Then, I thought I would be "lucky" enough to have just one child-a son; a little bullet-proof, indestructible dynamo named Justin. One child led us to another; and another to another, and now Cathy and I have a daughter. A girly-girl princess.

Part of me wants to let her off. It's okay, Bells, honey, we got this, me 'n' Ethan. The Boys got this. Go help Mom with her flower bed; or with the laundry or the dishes...

 

But waitaminute... This is the kind of daughter I want~

So, instead of saying what a part of me was thinking, I really said to my little princess,

Sure! Let me show you how Ethan, Justin, Mom and I mow!

My daughter, like her two brothers before her, started mowing like a drunken sailor. Ethan saw that he had a little competition, and started bragging about how good he is at mowing.

One thing I am learning, is this: Give direction; point in the right direction and let go. The hardest part is the letting go. Standing there, smiling while each one of the kids bobs and weaves across the lawn like a drunken sailor on shore leave~

...Or Scotty, sauced on Romulan Ale. That's the hard part, isn't it? Delegating a challenging task, and then watching someone else take that task and complete it in their own way. And, no matter what, telling him or her that they did a GREAT job... But, there might be one, or maybe two things to work on improving next time.

Justin mowing in 2012



Ethan mowing
 

Bella mowing

 

It's kind of important that they have fun building a good work ethic. It's got to be a positive experience. What's that old saying, Find something you love to do and you'll never have to work a day in your life? Not a bad thing to pass on.